


En'an'sal'in

by ScarletPhoenix



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Bonding, F/M, First Time, Post-Canon, Post-Dragon Age: Inquisition - Trespasser DLC, The other pairings are pretty minor, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-03
Updated: 2019-11-29
Packaged: 2020-07-29 21:37:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 35,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20089162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarletPhoenix/pseuds/ScarletPhoenix
Summary: “Okay, well what’s the plan after that?” She asked, “Do we bond and skip off into the sunset? It won’t work that way.”“No, it won’t. It’ll be much harder than that.” Cole looked sad for a moment. “I don’t know how to stop this hurt for both of you, but I do know that you both hurt less when you have each other.”The story of Sahira Lavellan after the events of Trespasser as she attempts to find a way to redeem the man she loves.





	1. Part I

**Author's Note:**

> So this is my first fic for Dragon age, and my first fanfiction I've written in _ years _. This idea has pretty much possessed me since my last playthrough of Inquisition, so I figured if I'm going to write it I might as well share it.
> 
> Quick note: I have set up the elven so that if you hover your mouse over the words it should show a translation. I've also included a guide in the bottom notes, as I'm unsure how it'll work on mobile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used [The Thedas Language Project](https://archiveofourown.org/tags/Thedas%20Language%20Project/works) for many of the names here, along with any elfish that isn't in the games.

It had been a month since the Exalted Council. Sahira hadn't left her little hut in the ruins of Haven since they'd arrived. Her advisers sent her reports, and her sister spent hours every day fussing over her. She felt no desire to walk outside, to see the looks and the pointed not looks that the people gave their now defunct Inquisitor.

"You need fresh air." Aniela was at the table, shortening the left sleeve on yet another one of Sahira's shirts. She should be grateful. Aniela had never been much of a seamstress, never as good as Sahira had once been, but she still spent spent hours hunched over her shirts to fix them. 

Sahira would rather have her arm.

"I'm fine." Sahira murmured, not looking up from the reports Leliana's spies had sent in. There was nothing important in them, but she still scoured every detail still. "When will you and Cullen leave for South Reach?"

"I already told you, we aren't leaving you," Aniela set aside the shirt, clearly tired of pricking her fingers for now. "You should come to South Reach with us. Cullen says his nieces and nephews would love to meet the Inquisitor." 

Sahira huffed at that, setting aside her own work. The title had no meaning, not anymore. The Inquisition was gone, at least officially, and many of her companions had left to pursue their own goals. Only Sera and Iron Bull remained in Haven, along with the Chargers, Cullen and Josephine. Aniela was working as a leggett for Leliana's spy network as the Divine couldn't come to Haven herself. She thinks Cole is still around, sometimes she feels him enter a room even when there’s no one there, but she always has a little bout of...not happiness, per se, though she definitely feels less apathetic for a few hours. Dorian had tried to check in a handful of times with the crystal, but the conversations were short. Sahira didn’t have much patience for small talk lately, didn’t care about what the northern weather was like this time of year or if last year’s vintage of Tevinter wine was any good.

"No offence to Cullen or his family, but I'd rather cut off my other arm than go live with a bunch of shems on a farm." It was harsh, but her sister just gave her another of those sad, pitying looks that Sahira had grown to hate. Cullen was a good man, an ever reliable general and a kind, loving bondmate to her sister but she couldn't help but feel a deep bitter jealousy whenever she saw them together. She wanted them gone, they were only reminders of what she'd lost.

_'Or never had.'_ Solas - Fen'harel, Dread Wolf, whatever she was supposed to call him now - had insisted what they had was real, but not real enough for him to forsake his plans and just _stay_ with her. When Solas had first said it to her as he knelt sadly by Corphyeus' - no, _his_ orb - she had hoped briefly that perhaps he had intentions of a reconciliation now that the fight was over, but she turned her back and he disappeared without a trace. And now this. 

"Being a bitch doesn't become you, asa'ma'lin.." And with that Sahira had chased her off for the day. She was grateful to hear the door shut and to be left alone in her misery.

Up until recently Aniela had been one of her greatest solaces in the Inquisition. She had by the grace of the Creators been away when their clan was slaughtered. Sahira knew it haunted her, that she felt if she'd been there she could have saved them, but they both knew realistically she's just be dead too. She'd found her way to the Inquisition at what had seemed to Sahira her lowest point, at least at the time. Solas had ended their relationship, he barely even spoke to her, and she had felt so alone surrounded by shemlens who were kind even if hardly any of them ever understood her, who held her up as a symbol of their Maker regardless of her insistence she wasn't. Now it felt like her sister didn't even understand her, she certainly didn't understand how Sahira still longed for Solas at her side and in her bed. He was the Dread Wolf, and that was enough for Aniela to hate him. Enough for her to think Sahira should hate him, but she doesn’t. She puts on a front, she tries, but she just can’t. She can't even bring herself to try and love him _less_.

She flopped into her stomach, letting out a frustrated sigh into the pillow. She needed to sleep, but she found herself doing everything she could to avoid it these days, even though she longed for the fade. Only now the fade was filled with wolves and Sahira wonders if it's some form of torture, an attempt to break her before she becomes a thorn in his side or if, just maybe, he needs to see her, that he longs for her too.

She reaches under her mattress, pulling out a flask of Free Marcher wine that Varric had sent. It burned as she drank it, though it was thick and sweet, but it was strong enough that soon she couldn't remember why she didn't want to sleep, and couldn't keep her eyes open anymore.

***

She woke most days with a throbbing head, and wisps of dreams escaping her mind before she can reach over for the bucket she kept nearby. Even Sera looks concerned when she comes wandering out, tangled hair pulled back into a rat’s nest of a bun. Half of it was still free in a knotted mess because she hadn't been able to gather it all and was too stubborn to ask for help. Her clothes are too loose now, and not just where her arm had once been. 

“Hey, Sahira,” Sera’s smile was weak and faltering. “Finally decided to come out, yeah?” She’s standing by what was once the tavern. They stocked it with casks of ale and wheels of cheese, but no one manned it anymore. The place was mostly where Bull and his Chargers awaited their next order. She hoped Cullen was giving them some, because she knows she hadn’t since they’d arrived. Or had she? Perhaps she had nodded and agreed to send them somewhere during one of her rare outings to the War Room, she found herself paying very little attention to those if there was no new information on Solas. 

“Saaahira, you listening?” Sera’s hand was suddenly waving in her face, stopping her halfway up the steps past the tavern. She was sure she’d muttered some passing pleasantries to Sera, but it seems that’s just another thing she can’t actually remember if she did or not. It’s as if her brain has betrayed her. It’s hardly the only thing that’s betrayed her lately.

“I’m sorry, Sera,” She sighed, stopping and turning to the other elf. She had always liked Sera. She had offered an interesting, if not sometimes confusing, perspective. She had had a hard time accepting how differently they viewed elven culture, but overtime she’d come to understand it. 

“It’s all fine,” Sera shrugged her shoulders. “Ya know, you ain’t gotta drink alone like that. You could join me and Bull, maybe play some wicked grace, yeah?”

“I’ve never been very good at wicked grace, but thank you.” She tried to give Sera a reassuring smile, but she could tell from her face it had failed. She quickly excused herself and rushed towards the war room, hoping to avoid anymore conversation than necessary. She walked past Josephine in her office gathering papers from her desk, which at least meant she wasn’t late. These days that was win.

Cullen was the only one in the war room when she entered, look over the table and moving the tokens into position. She saw the ironbark ring, varnish glistening just slightly in the dim candle light whenever he moved a piece. Sahira had made that ring and it’s partner, carved away at the wood and smoothed it for a month. Then Solas had their relationship, he left, and she had hopelessly carried them with her for years hoping he would come back for her. When Cullen told her he wanted to marry Aniela, she had handed them over. _“It’s better they’re used.”_ She had said. She watched as they exchanged them while she stood beside the dog, and told them her tears were of happiness for them. They had even seemed to believe the lie in their matrimonial bliss.

“Good morning, Cullen,” she said as she sat on the stool in the corner, so as not to get in his way. He looked up and gave her a friendly smile. He hid his concern better than Sera had.

“It’s afternoon, Sahira.” It felt odd to hear him use her name. He never had before, always Inquisitor, always professional. She shrugged, and leaned back against the cool stone walls. “How did you sleep?” She didn’t like how much concern he showed these days, as if he needed to take care of her, as if he were her kin._ He is now,_ reminded a quiet voice in her head, but she squashed it down. He’d married her sister but he was not her kin, he doesn’t understand where she and Aniela come from, he doesn't understand their ways._ ‘He tries, he cares. That's more than Solas thought of the Dalish.'_

“I slept,” is all she offers. She’s already exhausted of conversation, and Josephine is just now streaming in. Aniela follows soon after with her own stack of papers.

“Sorry, I spent all morning decoding these from Leliana,” she explained as she laid them on the map, right between Kirkwall and Starkhaven. Her sister had always been one of the best scouts in their clan and with Leliana’s tutelage perhaps one day she would be a great spy master, but for now she mostly handle the logistics that Leliana couldn’t as the Divine. “She is sending the eluvian from Halamshiral here for further examination. It should arrive in a week’s time.” Sahira perked up at that.

“Is that wise?” asked Cullen, furrowing his brow. “It seems like it would be a poor idea to keep a portal our enemies can use here.” 

“Empress Celine has adamantly said that it will not remain in her palace for that very reason,” Josephine added. “It would be useful to understand them better, but the dangers could outweigh the benefits.”

“Maybe we should destroy-”

“No!” Sahira doesn’t think she had spoken so loudly since Orlais, it even hurt her throat a little. “It’s a priceless elven artifact, I will not let it be destroyed.”

“What do you propose we do with it then, Inquisitor?” Sahira was quiet for a moment, thinking.

“The old apothecary’s house, outside the village. We’ll store it there," she declared. “It’s still close enough that we can guard it but far enough away so as not to threaten our operation.”

“Who will study it?” Sahira could see the apprehension on Cullen’s face, the fear of magic he couldn’t understand. Sahira heard the gentle swell of ancient elven voices in her head, and gently pressed her fingers to her temple to calm it.

“I will.” She must have sounded like herself - her old self, who had two arms, a whole heart and a can do attitude - because Cullen and Josephine nodded, looking at her like they used to. Like she was the Inquisitor again. “If I can set up powerful enough wards, we won’t even have to waste the guards. I’ll start moving my things there, Sera and Dagna could have my current place. I’m sure they’re tired of sharing with Bull and his chargers.”

“Do you really think that’s wise?” Aniela asked, “Isolating yourself even more than you already have?”

“Maybe that’s what I need? Some space where everyone doesn’t look at me like some thing to be pitied,” she snapped back, her voice harsher than it needed to be. Everyone was just concerned, and really Sahira knew they should be. But right now she felt like for the first time in weeks she had a direction to go in, something other than wallowing to fill her time as she waited for reports.

***

The eluvian arrived just over a week later, as Leliana had promised. Sahira had already had her few belongings moved to the house by then, covered the straw mattress with several warm furs to help ward off the cold winter evenings in the Frostbacks. She carefully oversees the moving of the eluvian, having it set up across from her bed where the desk had been. She had moved the desk to the side, and already it was covered with her writings on what she knew on the eluvians and what knowledge she had managed to discern from the countless voices in her head. Most of it was background information, and the Vir’Abelasan hadn’t given her anything much she didn’t already know. She had found it was a toss up if the knowledge was ever actually helpful, but she doesn’t regret receiving it. There is value in preserving knowledge for knowledge’s sake.

Sahira could almost trick herself while standing before it, could almost see the person she had been long before the Inquisition. The girl who had proven herself worthy of her vallaslin in her fifteenth year, the woman who had wanted nothing more than to be a great Keeper for her clan. Then she tried to reach up to trace the delicate branches on her face, and was reminded that her left arm was long gone. She sighed, and pulled a chair up to the eluvian, and used her right hand this time to trace the marks. They had once been flawless, but time had faded the ink from black to a dark grey, and a scar across her forehead disrupted some of the branches. 

She loved them. 

She didn’t care what they had meant in Elvhenan, to her they were a mark of her accomplishments. She wondered if Solas had understood her, that night when he’d offered to take them away and she’d refused. Did he hear her words, her reasons? Or had he just heard another Dalish savage, clinging to an archaic tradition? Besides, she was bound to Mythal now thanks to The Vir’abelasan, so it only made sense that she continued to wear her mark now. 

She took her hand from her face and grabbed her brush from the table. Her hair was too long, too tangled. It was a struggle getting all the knots out with just one hand, but after an hour she had managed to get it passable enough for her task. More people than she could remember offered to help her with it over the past few weeks, but she refused. She wasn’t some invalid who needed someone to do everything for her. She was a mage, and a powerful one at that, she was more capable of getting by with one arm than most. Or at least that’s what she snapped at anyone who tried to help her with a task that would have been easier with two arms. 

She set the brush aside, and used her right hand to split her hair into two bundles on either side of her neck. She grabbed a knife off the desk, gathered one bundle in hand and sliced off her hair a few inches past her jaw then repeated on the other side. The locks fell to the ground around her feet, and her hair fanned out around her face in gentle waves. It wasn’t a straight cut, moving in a slope up her jawline but the curls managed to hide most of the unevenness. 

She didn’t like it, but that’s not what mattered. She needed it out of the way and she did not have the ability to shave it, even on one side like she used to. 

She reached out to touch the eluvian half expecting it to shimmer and let her hand pass, but she knew this one had been sealed. She doubted Solas wished to lose the eluvians he had worked so hard to control. She thought of the Vir Dirthara, really just a short walk on the other side. If she could reactivate the eluvian, that would be where she would go first. She had had to rush through before, chasing Qunari as they chased Solas. She can only imagine what knowledge she has run past, long forgotten and sealed away between this world and the next. 

It’s the type of place she had dreamed of Solas taking her, long ago when she would imagine what life could be after the Inquisition. She had wanted nothing more than to disappear into the wilderness with him, wasting their days sleeping beneath the ruins of the past. Perhaps one day build a little house like this one deep in some forgotten wood, and fill it with little ones who they would teach all they’d learned.

She shook her head, clearing those thoughts from her head. She worried the chance for that was long gone, that even if she did stop him there would be no walking off into the sunset for them.

_'At least everyone else can.'_

Sahira stood from her chair, using a wave of her hand to send the pile of hair at her feet into the fire that burned in the hearth nearby. She helped herself to a bowl of the ram stew she had prepared early, and spend several moments staring at the barrel of ale she had brought down from Haven. She feared sleep, feared seeing him in her dreams. She didn’t know what to do, what to say to him, but she knew he would come. The past few weeks it seemed all she could do was drink until she could no longer remember what she feared. She didn’t remember the dreams on those nights, but she did know they would be too chaotic for anyone to successfully navigate.

She knew intellectually she couldn’t continue with her duties that way, not sleep deprived and half drunk. Solas was going to be hard enough to stop as it was. She needed her wits about her, she needed to be able to hear The Vir’Abelasan and to consult spirits in the fade if the not-Inquisition was to have any chance at succeeding. 

She covered the barrel with a cloth, and waved her hand over her tankard to fill it with water.

__

***

Her dreams that night were more controlled than she had allowed them to be for sometime. She was at a fire, an aravel behind her and two halla bedded down for the evening. The only sounds for a long time were the cracking fire, and the gentle breathing of the halla. The Fen’harel statues at the entrance to her camp were turned inward. It struck her as odd and for a moment she couldn’t place why. _'Perhaps I should fix them?_

She banished the thought as quickly as it came, rolling her head back to look up at the stars only to be greeted by a dark green sky, and a city floating off in the distance. She felt a peace come over her. What does statue placement matter in the fade? She had missed the fade, she had missed her dreams. Why had she been denying herself this? All because of him? She couldn’t even hear wolves tonight, didn’t feel their eyes watching her from the shadows.

Then she felt more than heard something enter the peripheral of her camp, and realized she couldn’t be that lucky. Not after weeks of making her dreams hard, chaotic things. 

A white wolf, just within the tree line. She locked eyes with it, grey eyes she was very familiar with, and smiled before she even realized what she was doing. Why had he seemed so horrifying before? She remembered how she had woken up covered in sweat back Halamshiral, as she rested after everything that had happened, her heart racing and the sounds of wolves still in the back of her mind. Had that been him, or were they really just nightmares?

This didn’t feel like a nightmare.

“I’ve missed this,” she murmured, and even though she barely heard it herself she knew he had. She looked back up at the sky, watching the fragments of statues and buildings float above her. It was a good quiet, a peaceful quiet. 

They sat there for sometime before she looked back and he was no longer there. She felt a hand run through the back of her hair, and he was next to her, and she realized she missed this most of all. 

“What are you doing here?” she asked. She wanted to lean on him, to rest her head on his shoulder and listen to him talk as they had done so many nights before, both in and out of the fade.

“That seemed like an invitation,” Solas motioned to the statues of Fen’harel. The statues of him. 

“You didn’t seem to need one before, I’ve seen you plenty,” she felt just a little bit of her waking bitterness seeping into her words, but nowhere near as harsh as she had been towards others. _'The ones who don’t deserve it, who just want to help me._

He was looking into the fire and not at her. “I’ll admit I’ve come to...check on your dreams often, ma vhenan,” her heart fluttered and dropped at the pet name.

“I don’t suppose you’re here to tell me you’ve realized the errors of your ways and we can send both of our people home?” 

“My people have no home.”

“Oh yes, because our aravels aren’t floating castles they aren’t homes.” She looked away from him now, examining the dirt to her right. “Do the Dalish who join you go bare face? Reject everything about our way of life for your tales of what was?”

“The Dalish have always been attempting to replicate tales of what was, they were just wrong in their information,” Solas reminded.

“If I have learned anything for certain it’s that our way of life, our half remember stories as you once called them, are better than Elvhenan ever was.” 

“Is it really? Is your clan better off than they would have been if we still had our empire? Our magic?” His tone was gentle but his words were harsh, and she could tell he knew it the moment he said it. “Ir abelas..” 

She didn’t want to fight with him, not now. The time would come where it was inevitable, but that was a problem for the waking world. “Are you as awful to be around lately as I have been?” she asked, with just a hint of mirth in her voice to lighten the mood. 

He’s quiet for a moment. “I can’t imagine a world where you’re awful to be around.” _'Funny, as he’s the one creating that world.'_

“You might be the only person who thinks that right now.” A silence fell between them again, but this one was tense and Sahira scrambled to think of a topic change. She didn’t want him to leave, not yet. _‘Not ever.’_

“Did you do that yourself?” She looked at him, raising an eyebrow. “Your hair - did you cut it yourself?” She couldn’t help but chuckle. Here she was sitting with the great and horrible Fen’Harel, and he wanted to talk about her hair.

“Yeah. Figured I’d take a page out of Sera’s book.” It was his turn to laugh, perhaps a little harder than the joke warranted. It sounded like he hadn’t in months. “Not bad for a girl with one hand, I suppose.”

“It becomes you.” His eyes were on the stump where her arm once was though, and she could see the guilt there. Why hadn’t she given herself both arms? This was her dream.

“No it’s hideous, but its function over fashion right now.” 

“Vivienne would be appalled.” 

“She’d probably drag me off to some Orlesian barber, and they’d call me a ‘rabbit’ in that annoying voice they do. Luckily - and I use that very generously here - she’s off trying to bring the circles back.” She leaned her head against his shoulder. The fur was soft against her face. “You could just destroy Orlais and take the Dales back. I think the rest of Thedas would get over it.”

“You know that’s not how it would work.” She didn’t, but it was easy enough to surmise that he couldn’t just tear down the veil in one area even if that’s how she wished it would go. They were quiet again, and Sahira thought if she weren’t already asleep she gladly have slept there on his shoulder with just the sounds of the fire and quiet breathing. “You should wake up.”

“Are you dictating my sleep schedule now?” She straightened up again to look at him. 

“No, but it seems you’ve been asleep for quite some time. I’m sure your friends will wonder why.” She laughed at that, perhaps if she slept for days they would after how she’d been behaving lately but they’d likely celebrate her sleeping through the night for once.

“Will you actually come talk to me again? Not just hover around in the shadows?”

“I don’t think that’s wise.”

“Neither is the shadow stalking but it hasn’t stopped you.” 

“I suppose you’re correct,” He stood and looked down at her. He turned to walk away, but only made it a step before he turned back and leaned down to place a chaste kiss on her forehead. 

__

__

_***  
_

There is a knock on the door of the apothecary's cabin, though it was only a formality as Sahira normally didn’t bother with the bar. She couldn’t put it on without magic so decided to forgo it most days. “Come in.” She really didn’t want company. She was planning her first attempt to activate the eluvian today and had hoped no one would disturb her.

Cullen pushed the open with his back, a basket in one hand and a bowl in the other. He sat them both on the table, and Sahira saw some of the little Dalish root cakes she had loved as a child. “These are from Aniela, asa'ma'lin,” Cullen’s mouth is clumsy around the word, struggling around the foreign syllables, but she could tell he had earnestly tried. Sahira had seen him with Aniela on the rare occasion she arrived early to a war council, her sister saying whatever the elven word of the day is slowly at him and him repeating it slowly back. Sahira thought she'd appreciate it more if her sister hadn't begun singing the Chant of Light as well. Sahira didn’t know what she wanted from them, if she wanted Aniela to just give up and become a shem or for Cullen to begin praising Mythal, all she knew was somehow both prospects upset her.

She just wanted them as unhappy as her and she knew that, so she forced herself to smile and Cullen. “You’re getting better.”

“I probably sound like a child,” Cullen pulled one of the little cakes out of the basket and took a bite. 

“We’re all just children, acting out half remembered stories.” She hadn’t meant to say it out-loud, but the words were already on her tongue before she’d thought much about it. “It’s a mostly dead language, what we speak now is just what we’ve been able to recover. Most of it is guess work.” It’s why she struggled to understand the Vir’Abelasan so much. They spoke too fast, and used words she couldn’t even begin to figure out the meaning of. She was probably the most fluent non-ancient elf alive now, but even she grasped for the right words to express herself in elven. 

“Aniela said your Keeper used to make these for you two as children.” She helped herself to one of the sweets. “I didn’t know elfroot could go in cakes.”

“Deshanna put elfroot in everything. She probably even put in our milk as babes.” Sahira took a bite. The cake was too dry, and crumbles crumbled down her chin. They weren’t even close to how Deshanna had made it, but Sahira was still taken back to her youth.

“My family has been getting more insistent we visit them. They want to meet Aniela.” Sahira is very proud of herself for not making any kind of exasperated noise when she realized where this was going. “You should come with us. Leliana can send messages there just as easily as here.”

“If you and Aniela want to go then go, but I’m staying here until we know our next move.” And if she didn’t find a next move, she’d rather join the Chargers or Sera’s Red Jenny’s or even the College of Enchanters than go to some farm in South Reach. What would she do there? Tend an elfroot garden and heal village children’s minor ailments? Why would she waste her time with that when she could be doing something useful, especially while Solas is trying to end everything. “I’m serious, Cullen. You’ve served the Inquisition well, but there is no more Inquisition and no more army.”

“We’d both feel better if you were with us.” 

“Well good thing it’s not my job to make everyone feel better anymore.” Sahira waved him off with her one hand. “Thank you, Cullen, and send my thanks to Aniela. I have to get back to the eluvian.” She heard the door open and shut as she entered her bedroom-slash-study.

Cole was on her bed, legs crossed and looking as if he’d just been watching the doorway for her to enter. “Long time no see, Cole.” She said as she went to her desk.

“I’ve been here.” 

“I know it’s just I…” She shakes her head with a sigh, looking back down at her papers. Cole sits quietly as Sahira goes over her notes. She had the keystone from the Qunari, and a spell that the Vir’Abelasan said should tie it to this eluvian.

It doesn’t. It doesn’t even seem to affect the mirror. Sahira almost wishes she hadn’t wasted the mana. It was a long shot that Solas had left such a flaw in his system, but Sahira had hoped he would have thought it was a non-issue after what he'd done to the Qunari. Cole is still sitting on her bed after the third time she attempts the spell, just to make sure it didn’t work. 

“It’s not going to work.”

“Thanks, Cole, I was realizing that.” She fell back in the chair by her desk with a sigh, turning the keystone over in her hand. “Did you always know? About Solas?”

“Yes.” Cole is beside her now. “He’s not what everyone thinks.”

Sahira couldn’t help but smile at him. She knew what her other companions thought of him, and knew they didn’t agree with Sahira's idea that they need to save him. They just wanted to stop him, she’s sure Sera or Bull would gladly kill him if given the chance. “It’s a little hard to make that argument when he wants to end the world, Cole.”

“He’s hurt, he thinks the world is hurt, and he thinks it will ease the pain.” Cole looked distressed, “He wouldn’t listen to me when I told him it would just hurt him more. He’s not that kind of wolf.” Cole had first said that as they chased after the Qunari. It was the first time during the chase Sahira had thought that perhaps Solas was more than just an agent of Fen’harel. She supposed it’s good she had brought him along. She doesn’t know how she would have felt to be so blindsided by Solas’ confession. She knows she would have spoken out of anger, not listened to him. She might have gone right for the attack if she hadn’t realized it during their time in the Dread Wolf’s shrine. 

“You should have told me.”

“I wanted to! But it wasn’t mine to tell.” Sahira took a deep breath to calm herself. She could only imagine how hard it had been for Cole all those years, to see how she hurt because of Solas’ actions and not at least be able to provide her with the answers she needed. “He’s not lying about how he feels for you.”

“I know, Cole. That’s what makes it worse.”

“I couldn’t help him.” She could see how that weighed on him, and reached out to give his hand a squeeze. “You can help him. I know you can.”

“How?”

“Keep loving him.” She hadn’t expected that answer. Loving Solas _hurt_, and Cole had never been an advocate for self-flagellation. _‘Must really be desperate times.’_

***

A handful of Dalish had found their way to Haven. Not many, mostly those whose clans had left to join Fen’harel’s army but they would not. Cullen thought they were a risk, that they should turn them away. Sahira would not turn her back on her people though, and they had compromised on a camp on the other side of the lake. It really was better that way, many of the non-elf members of the not-Inquisition were suspicious of the elves as spies sent by Solas and just because the elves had not joined him did not mean that they were suddenly happy to live among the shemlen. 

Sahira was wandering the camp today as an attempt to break free from her work on the eluvian, but it still occupied her thoughts. She had been holed up for two weeks now, and still had yet to figure out how to unlock it. The Vir’abelasan had offered at least three different spells and a ritual that involved sacrificing a ram - she didn’t mention that part to anyone, but she’s pretty sure Krem knew exactly what she was going to do with it when she asked him and Grim to catch one alive for her. She had felt she would be more apprehensive about blood magic, but it had hardly even bothered her as she slit the animal’s throat and used it’s blood to draw ancient symbols on the mirror. It’s a tool like any other, Dorian had once told her.

“Inquisitor!” a young elf ran up to her, no older than she had been when she first came to Haven. On his face were the beginnings of vallaslin, Andruil if she were to guess, but he had clearly cried out during the ritual. She hoped his keeper remained so that he could attempt again.

She forced a smile, put on her best Friendly Inquisitor face. “Hello, da'len..” His smile was bright and wide.

“My teacher wishes to give you a gift,” He explained, a little out of breath from running after her. “He heard of your…” the boy’s eyes fell to where her arm once was, “Of your injury. He has been working on a special staff, one that can be attached and he would be honored if you would try it.”

Sahira was taken aback, and opened her mouth a few times before she successfully got her words out. “I’m honored your teacher would be so kind. Of course I will try it.”

The boy, who said his name was Aenor, led her back to his teacher’s aravel. There were tables and tools laid out in front of it, with a few pieces of half finished weapons laying about. The craftsmen was named Erlin, an old man with long grey hair and a face of wrinkles, but he smiled as brightly as Aenor had when he saw her.

“Inquisitor, I’m so glad Aenor was able to get my message to you,” He said as he puttered around inside the aravel, gathering together what she assumed were the parts of this attachable staff. Sahira didn't bother telling him that _ Inquisitor_ was a hollow title.The staff itself was was ironbark with dawnstone, in the center was a socket that had a rod that extended from it and a harness attached to that. “It might need to make some adjustments to insure that it will fit properly…” He paused and looked at her. “You’ll need to remove your top for the fitting.”

Sahira nodded. Taking off her shirt was easy, just slip out her good arm and pull it over her head. It was her breeches that always caused problems. Sahira ended up sleeping in them most nights. Once she’d removed her shirt, the old elf got to work on attaching the staff. One band of the harness wrapped over her shoulder and another under her remaining arm, with a two around what remained of her left arm to steady the metal rod that extended from the staff. 

Overall, it wasn’t too bad. She gave her arm a shake, and the staff moved a bit. The movement would definitely take some getting used to, and she’d likely need to figure out a way to use magic to give her some better control, but it worked a lot better than holding the staff with her right hand. “It’s a little too loose,” noted Erlin as he examined his work. “It’s an easy adjustment. I can have it done in an hour, and have Aenor bring it to Haven for you?”

“I can wait an hour,” she said. “Ma serannas,” she added, almost as an afterthought. The old man smiled, ordered his apprentice to bring her some tea and then went to work adjusting her new staff. The tea was lukewarm, flavored with elfroot and mint. She drank it gladly, remembering winter evenings drinking the same tea with Keeper Deshanna and Aniela. 

She had invited her sister to come walk the camp with her that morning, attempting to bridge the gap that she had created between them but Aniela had declined. She’d fiddled with her ring, and her eyes had flickered over to Cullen quickly, likely thinking Sahira had missed it. She wondered if the other Dalish had been cruel about how she’d taken a shem as her bondmate._ ‘I have been cruel about it too, if only in my mind. Cullen is a good man.’_ She didn’t know why she needed to keep reminding herself of this. She had never been against the relationship before, even encouraged it, yet somehow she couldn’t shake the feeling that Aniela had betrayed their people when they had married. _‘What does that make me? I wanted to bond with the Dread Wolf himself.’_ She shook away the thought that at least Solas was an elf.

She remembered Cole’s words from the other day. _Just keep loving him._ She was positive she wasn’t capable of stopping at this point. If everything he’d done so far wasn’t enough to make her hate him then she would go to her grave loving him. She wasn’t sure if that would truly be enough to save him, or if Cole too was just hopeful that they could end this without killing him. 

She set her empty mug aside, and stepped out of the aravel where Aenor was working on the hilt of a blade. She watched the young elf carve away chunks of the ironbark, whittling it into a size that would fit comfortably in the hand. She watched the wood fall to the ground, and remembered the rings she had spent so long crafting. She sometimes wished she hadn’t hesitated and just presented them to him. Among the Dalish their time together would have seemed more than adequate before a bonding, but she had worried it would have seemed too rash and rushed to an outsider. What would have happened if she’d given them to him before he ended it? Would he have stayed? Would he have said yes? 

_Keep loving him._

“Do you have any to spare?” She found herself asking before she’d even really thought about it. What would she do, carve rings with one hand? Give them to Solas and hope that a bonding would be enough to dissuade him from ending the world?

“Perhaps a little,” Aenor looked up from his task. “Why?”

Sahira shook her head, “Forget about it, it’s pointless anyways. Can’t really craft anything like this.” She waved the stump that was all that remained of her arm. 

“If you need something crafted all you need do is ask, Inquisitor.” Aenor gave her another bright smile. 

“How long would it take you to make two rings?” The boy looked confused.

“Like for a bonding?”

Sahira shook her head, “No, no, nothing like that...I mean, yes, like that, but not for _that_…” She forced herself to stop her senseless babbling. What was she thinking? One good dream and suddenly she’s back to this? “Forget it, ir abelas..” Aenor looked thoughtful for a moment before he spoke.

“I could make them without anyone knowing,” He said quietly, taking a step closer. “Master Erlin will not notice that little ironbark missing. It would take a little longer, I’d have to craft them at night, but it would take a week? Maybe two?”

She doesn’t know why she says yes, but she leaves the Dalish camp with her new staff and an order for two rings. Aenor promises to keep it between them and she gives him a bag of gold for his troubles.

***

Sera was balancing on The Iron Bull's horns chugging from her tankard with the Chargers egging her on when Sahira walked into the tavern. Everyone stopped when they realized she was there, staring as if they didn't know how to respond to her sudden presence after so many weeks. Sera lost her balance and came tumbling down. Both Dalish and Bull tried to catch her, but she still ended up flat on her face.

Sahira laughed. It was a long, hard belly laugh that left her hunched over and her sides ached. The Chargers quickly joined in, even Dagna was chuckling as she knelt down to check if Sera was alright. "Yeah, it's all real funny, innit?" She grumbled, pushing herself up from the ground. There was a small trickle of blood from her nose, and it rolled over the corner of her mouth as she shot Sahira a lopsided grin. "Decide to join us for that game of Wicked Grace?"

"Just the drink, though you might need a healer," Sahira answered. She goes to serve herself a tankard of ale, but Dalish grabbed and filled it before she could. She took it, and made sure to thank her rather than say that she could do it herself. 'They care, they want to help.' It was becoming a mantra for her forced outings away from the eluvian. She had been harsh, too quick to anger towards everyone and she needed to stop before she truly was all alone. How could she save Solas when she couldn’t even offer those around her the same kindness she insisted on showing him?

“So make any progress on that elf mirror, boss?” asked Bull as she took her seat.

Sahira took a long sip of her drink, collecting her thoughts. “You know how doors have locks and keys?” 

Bull chortled. “I’m familiar with the concept.”

“Well Eluvians have magical locks and keys,” Sahira started, “They’re unique to the eluvians, and seem to be changeable. Briala had a password, the one in the Temple of Mythal used the Vir’Abelasan. I had thought this one was one of Briala’s, but if it was someone has retooled the lock. I’ve been trying to see if I can do the same, but I haven’t had much luck.” 

Sera scrunched up her face, “Leave it alone, probably needs elfy blood magic or some shit.” Sahira’s attempt at that hadn’t worked much, but she wasn’t going to share that right now. “What do we even need ‘em for?”

“We won’t know until we have one, but they were certainly important enough for Solas to want to control them all,” Sahira reminded. She could go on about how it was important for their people, that there was unfathomable amounts of knowledge lost inside the eluvian network, but Sera wouldn’t care for any of that. Truthfully, no one in Haven would really care, except perhaps Dalish and Aniela but even that was a long shot. “So what exactly were you trying to accomplish when I walked in?” she asked, changing the subject to something lighter.

“Sera bet me she could drink her whole tankard in one go while balancing on my horns,” Bull gave her a cocky smirk. “As you saw, I won.”

“That one didn’t count!” Sera looked ready to climb back up and try again. “The Inquisitor walked in, ruined my concentration.” Sahira leaned back in her chair, and listened as The Iron Bull and Sera bickered about whether or not the bet was over. 

“Inquisitor,” there was a gentle touch on her shoulder and she looked up to see Cassandra, dressed in her full Seeker armor. She had not originally come to Haven with them, choosing to stay in Val Royeaux to handle any of Fen’harel’s agents that had infiltrated the chantry. Sahira was tempted to ask if she had found any, but reminded herself she was here to drag herself away from thoughts of such things.

“Cassandra, I’m happy you made it back,” and she found she was entirely sincere when she said it, perhaps for the first time in months. She and Cassandra had never seen eye to eye on everything, but she admired the Seeker and enjoyed her company. She’d tried to give her the title of Inquisitor after Corphyeus, but she had refused out right. She was still Sahira’s top choice for her successor though, and she had insured Josephine had that in writing years before.

“As am I, Val Royeaux is...difficult this time of year.” Sahira was very familiar with that. Her past three winters had been filled with all the social events Orlesians seemed to find necessary to fill the cold months.

“I’m sure Lel - Divine Victoria feels differently,” Sahira joked. “She can gauge people’s scandals by their shoes for months to come.” 

Krem slipped into the seat beside Cassandra to join their conversation, and flashed the seeker a smile. “I thought the rich bastards in the Imperium took their parties and clothes too serious, then I met an Orlesian.” That elated a soft chuckle from both of them.

Sahira stays in the tavern until the early hours of the morning. It felt like one of their long evenings spent in Skyhold’s tavern, crowded and full of life. Snow is falling as she returns to the apothecary's house, and the first thing she does when she gets inside is warm her bare feet by the fire she breathed to life. She notices a small cloth bag on the table. Inside are the two rings she had ordered from the apprentice boy, Aenor, and a note saying that the Dalish will be moving on once the snow has passed. Part of her is sad, but it’s for the best. The Frostbacks were nowhere to make camp this time of year, and the now meager Inquisition didn’t have the supplies to care for them, not to mention the suspicions of some of the shemlen.

She emptied the bag to look at the rings in the fire light, watching the light play off the shined wood. They were beautiful, any woman in her clan would have been overjoyed to receive them. “Are you going to give them to him?” Sahira lost grip on the ring, and it would have landed in the fire had Cole not caught it.

“It would be stupid.” 

“No it wouldn’t. He loves you. You love him.” Sahira really wished it was that easy.

Sahira sighed, “First of all, I have to find a way to get him to meet up with me.”

“Talk to him.”

“Then I have to convince him to bond with me.”

“Talk to him.”

“Cole, that can’t be the answer for everything.”

“But it’s the answer now.”

“Okay, well what’s the plan after that?” She asked, “Do we bond and skip off into the sunset? It won’t work that way.”

“No, it won’t. It’ll be much harder than that.” Cole looked sad for a moment. “I don’t know how to stop this hurt for both of you, but I do know that you both hurt less when you have each other.” It was really the existence of Cole that made Sahira understand Solas’ view point. She didn’t agree with the means he wished to achieve it, but she could also see the benefit in a world where good, kind natured spirits like Cole weren’t corrupted and allowed to roam this world without a veil. And she’d be lying if he weren’t right. Despite everything Sahira felt her best, her happiness, when Solas visited her dreams. She had been miserable when she’d done everything in her power to avoid him. She still wasn’t the easiest to be around, but she felt she had been leaps and bounds better these last few weeks.

“Okay, Cole, we’ll try it your way.” Afterall, the worst that could happen would that he said no. They were already at war.

***  


“I want to see you.” Solas seemed taken aback by her sudden demand when he appeared before her. Her dream tonight was a field of flowers and tall wild grass, a recreation of the area near where her clan would camp in the summer. “Just once. Just me and you. None of your men and none of mine.” He opened his mouth several times then closed it, looking like he was deciding between answering her and just leaving. She hesitates for a moment, before continuing. “I have one of your eluvians - I’m sure you know that. I haven’t figured out how to unlock it, but that doesn’t mean you can’t. Use it, come see me. Or I’ll meet you somewhere just…” She trailed off, and sat on a stump that materialized for her convenience. “I miss you.” The words were quiet, with much less force than her previous demands.

Solas remained quiet for several long moments. Too long, Sahira felt like she was about to die before he finally spoke. “It’s unwise, vhenan.”

“Everything about this unwise,” Sahira said, “I’m coming to accept my feelings for you can hardly be rationalized away as ‘unwise’.” Truthfully, had she even really tried? “I love you.” 

“Vhenan…” his voice cracked just a little and trailed off as he stared at her like he needed to memorize every detail of her face, like he had in the clearing that evening when he’d first ended their relationship. Sahira felt her heart sink and she couldn’t bring herself to look at him as she prepared for his rejection. She’d pushed it too far, pushed him too far. He reached out and cupped her face, tilting her head up to meet his eyes again. He pressed his lips to her forehead…

And she woke up in her bed, sitting up in the cold air of the house. She felt hot tears pricking her eyes, the heavy weight of his rejection making it feel like her heart had been ripped out.

The Eluvian activated, filling the room with a dim blue glow. Sahira stared at it a moment, waiting to see if Solas would step out. When he didn’t she slipped out of bed, pausing to put the bag containing the ironbark rings in her pocket before walking through the eluvian. 

It didn’t lead directly to the crossroads as it had before, instead opening directly into what Sahira was sure was Vir Dirthara. If this were any other situation she would want to know how changing an eluvian’s destinations worked, but she had more pressing matters on her mind. It was a section she hadn’t seen before, but she was sure it couldn’t be anywhere else. Bookcases towered above her, reach towards a mostly-not broken dome of stained glass. It seemed the area was isolated, an island floating between worlds. She could see one of the archivist spirits across the way in a different section of the library.

There was a slightly raised reading area in one of the corners of the room she was in and in one of the tattered old chairs sat Solas, looking down at the ground. He looked nervous, wringing his hands like an apprentice before his first hunt. Sahira walked over, and he looked up as she climbed the platform. He didn’t say anything as she sat, and Sahira wondered briefly if this was a good idea. _‘I’m already here, I just need to do it.’_

“Did they have bondings in your time?” She had always been taught the tradition came down from old Elvhenan, that it had been a way for two spirits to bind themselves together so that they would always be able to find each other, even in the fade. It seemed to be over romanticized to be true, and she had heard other clans had a different version of the history. She had always thought it was just a story made up to cover up the Dalish adopting the shem tradition of marriage during their years in bondage, but it didn’t mean she disagreed with it. Sahira was surely a romantic at heart, and such stories of life long bonds had been her favorites as a girl. 

“It wasn’t as permanent as modern bondings are,” He was staring at her now, trying to gauge her intent. “It was less common as well. It wasn’t imperative to have heirs, no matter your social rank, so bonding and children were...low on many’s priorities. Elves would bond for centuries, perhaps raise a child if they desired one, then go their separate ways.” How times have changed. Sahira remembered how the older women in her clan would say there is no greater deed one could do for their kind than bond and have as many children as the Creators blessed them with.

“Did you ever?” 

“No,” He’s still staring at her, but his eyes had softened. “There was no one I ever wished to be tied to for that long before…” His words hung between them unsaid. Before the Veil, before the war. _‘Before me?’_ The thought was hopeful and normally she would have banished immediately, but the way he was staring at her emboldened her. She pulled the cloth bag from her right pocket and held it out. He took it, opened the draw string and let the rings fall into his hand.

“My clan used rings as bonding gifts,” She spoke quickly, watching as he turned them over in his hands. “I know others where they would exchange bows or pelts or….” She took a deep breath to gather yourself, and tried to continue more slowly. “I love you, and this doesn’t mean that my position on what you plan has changed, doesn’t mean that I won’t continue trying to stop you, but I love you and I want you to be my bondmate regardless of everything else.” She’s almost positive she can see tears forming in his eyes, but he looks back down at the rings in his palm and when he looks back up they’re gone. She kicked at a rock by her feet, waiting for him to answer. “We...perhaps could have had this conversation in the fade.” His rejection would hurt the same, but at least in the fade she could wake up and attempt to never sleep again. It took too long, hours it felt like, before he finally spoke. 

“Do not mistake my hesitation for lack of desire,” He handed the smaller of the rings back to her, keeping the other to turn over in his hand. “Given our current positions it would be a conflict of interests.” 

“Anymore than our feelings already are?” She slipped the ring onto her right hand - her only hand, the wrong one - and reached for his. “Do you love me? Do you want to me my bondmate? Those are the only two things that matter to this. The rest...those are problems for the Inquisitor and Fen’harel.”

“You are the Inquisitor, and I am Fen’harel.” He took her hand with his free one and gave it a squeeze, before turning it over to look at the ring that it was now on her finger.

“You were Solas first,” she reminded gently, “I was Sahira first. And right now we can just be Solas and Sahira, even if this is all we ever get again.” 

He brought her hand to his lips and pressed a firm kiss on her ring finger with a thoughtful look. “I’m only familiar with the rites in passing, I wouldn't know how to perform them.” 

She tried to suppress the cocky grin that pulled at her lips. “Well, for once I’m the one who knows something you don’t. As First I knew them by heart before my tenth year, it’s probably not the same as Elvhenan but it’s more the sentiment of the actions that matter with these things.” She stood, tugging at her hand to bring him up with her. There were four parts to a bonding ceremony: the exchange of gifts to symbolize their worldly connection, the exchange of blood to symbolize their spiritual connection, the exchange of vows to declare to all their love, and finally the consummation. After would follow days of feasting, dancing, and more fertility rituals than even Sahira could remember, but none of that was crucial. She didn’t need any of that.

She took his ring from him, and slipped it on the ring finger of his right hand. Her clan had worn them on theirs on their left, just as the shems did, but Sahira had no left hand and she was sure Solas wouldn’t mind nor care. “Do you have knife?” 

“The Dalish include knives in their bonding ceremonies?” He raised an eyebrow. Sahira expected to hear something derogatory about the Dalish, but instead he just pulled a small knife from under his cloak.

“It symbolizes the binding of our spirits. Cut my hand, then yours,” She instructed, holding her hand palm-up. Solas held the blade to her palm, hesitating for a moment before making a small incision and repeating on himself. Sahira clasped his hand, pressing their cuts together. A bit of blood rolled down both their wrists, but neither seemed to notice. “Repeat after me: Elgarala.,” She thought Solas would like that better than ‘Sylaise’, “enaste var aravel. Lama, ara las mir lath. Bellanaris.” 

“Elgarala enaste var aravel. Lama ara las mir lath. Bellanaris.” He brought their clasped hands to his lips and kissed them. She smiled at him and she felt a true happiness for the first time months, perhaps even years, when he returned it in kind before kissing her lips. She thought her heart would burst from her chest. This kiss chaste and loving, ending quicker than Sahira would have liked. He unclasped their hands and examined the cut on hers, healing it before laying a kiss on her palm.

“Now is traditionally where the undressing would occur.” Sahira felt her cheeks reddening a little, remembering the rowdy endings she had witnessed over the years. “The couple would remove their clothes as they return to their aravel, throw them into the crowd for good luck.”

“We have neither a crowd nor an aravel,” Solas pulled her close, placing both of his hands on her cheek. He hadn’t healed himself, but Sahira didn’t mind. “I suppose an ancient library of memories will suffice?” She nodded, perhaps a bit too enthusiastically. What came next was almost entirely new to her. They had done things in the past, but the most that has ever happened was at Empress Celine’s ball. They’d been drunk on wine and victory, and it took everything in her not to have him right there in front of all of the Orlesian court. Instead they’d found a quiet place, and he’d brought her to completion with his tongue and his fingers but refused to let her reciprocate. The memory made her flush, and a warmth settle between her legs. “Ar lath ma, vhenan,” he kissed her lips with each word before releasing her.

Solas removed his cloak and the wolf’s pelt from his shoulders, spreading both on the ground between the reading chairs. Sahira felt her stomach twist in anticipation as she watched him, rubbing her thighs together to get just a little friction while she waited. She pulled her one arm out of her shirt sleeve, and used it to pull the shirt off the rest of the way. She had wanted this for years, since her early days of being Inquisitor, and she half expected to wake up to find it was just a dream that left her wanting and unsatisfied.

She was onto her breast band by time Solas turned back around. “Let me,” he said softly, pushing her hand away and reaching behind her to untie the wrap. It unraveled almost by itself, allowing her breast to fall freely. She had always felt they were ample enough, particularly given her size, and Solas seemed to agree if the pleasant little noise he’d made was any indication. He kissed her again, this time with more need. His hands found her hips, and pulled her to him and she felt his hard cock against her. “You are so beautiful,” He whispered against her skin as he began to kiss along her jawline towards her ears.

She wrapped her arm around his neck for stability, and found she definitely needed it as he began to kiss and nip her ear. Her skin erupted with goosebumps, moaning softly against his shoulder. He gave the very tip of her ear one last kiss before beginning his way down her neck, then along her clavicle and back up to her other ear. One of his hands released her hip and reached between them, gently swiping the thumb across her nipple as he reached the tip of her other ear. He captured her lips once more as both his hands now moved down to untie her breeches. He pushed them down until they puddled around her feet along with her small clothes, and then picked her up.

Sahira let out a surprise little squeal and wrapped her legs around his waist. He chuckled at the noise, once again lavishing her neck with kisses. She rolled her hips against his, savoring the feeling of his moan against her neck. Solas carried her to where he’d made their make-shift marriage bed, and laid her down. 

She let out a noise of disappointment when he moved away to remove his own garments, the sudden cold air making her skin even more goose-fleshed than before. She pushed herself up on her elbow, watching as his armor and outer clothes were quickly joined by his smalls. She had never seen him completely nude, even outside of a sexual context. He’d always been taller than other elves, his shoulders a little broader, but he wasn’t all hard muscle like so many men had been in the Inquisition. Her eyes finally made it to his hard cock, and she felt a hunger in her that was new but not unwelcome. She bit her lip, arousal growing with each moment as she waited for him to join her again.

Once he laid down, half on her and half next to her, he began warmed her neck again with kisses, and work his way down. He took one nipple in his mouth, rolling his tongue over it and gently biting down with his teeth as his fingers worked on the other. “Oh, Solas,” she moaned softly, arching her back. He continued to tease her for a few more moments before he resumed his journey down her body with soft kisses down the valley of her breasts and stomach. 

She gladly parted her thighs for him to slip between as he got closer. He put both legs over his shoulder, and the need in the pit of her stomach as almost too much. She needed something, she needed him, but almost as soon as those impatient thoughts entered her head she felt his finger gently teasing her wet slit. She let out a soft mewl as he slipped it inside her, and a not so soft mewl when his tongue met her clit. He began bending his finger too and fro brushing against something inside her that had her squirming and moaning as his tongue worked the little nub. She could hardly contain herself, her hand tightly tangled in the cloak beneath them as the sounds of her moans filled the Vir Dirthara. 

She found it hard to get out any coherent words as she felt her first climax building already. She tried to say his name - to beg for more, to beg for less, to beg for him to _fuck her_ \- but if he heard he didn’t listen. He added another finger, and between that and the shapes he was drawing with his tongue she couldn’t hold back anymore. She felt herself tighten around his fingers, and heard her own moans as something far off in the distance as she was lost in the wave of pleasure.

He was gently removing his fingers from her, staring down at her as she finally came down. “I love you,” she panted, a wide smiling falling from her face. “Creators, I love you.” He winced at her invocation, but leaned down to kiss her before she could apologize. She felt his cock at her entrance, and already her body wanted more. 

He pressed his forehead against hers, “Are you sure, vhenan?” 

“I’ve never been more sure of anything.” She kissed him as he pressed forward, slowly filling her with his cock. She moaned into the kiss at the new feeling, and she wondered if she’d ever want to be without it again. All she wanted to do was lose herself in it but she forced her eyes open to meet his. His pupils were wide, she could barely see any of the grey, and she wondered if hers were like that as well?

“You feel amazing,” he breathed between them, kissing her before he began to move. Slowly at first, alternating between short gentle thrusts and a rotation of his hips that made her nearly scream. Perhaps she was, and was just too lost in it all to hear herself.

“I could say the saaaaaammm-” Her words were cut off by a moan as he quickened his pace, beginning to go a bit faster and a bit harder but still adding in the roll of his hips as he pushed all the way in. She bucked her hips to meet his thrusts, and it was his turn to moan. He buried his face in her neck, mouthing praise against her neck between kisses. She could barely make them out, too distracted by the feeling of his cock and her growing second climax. 

He must have been getting close soon, as his thrusts grew more erratic and he kept breathily moaning, “Ar lath ma..” against her neck. She came first, still sensitive from his early ministrations. She wrapped her legs around him as her walls contracted, pushing him over the edge as he spilled his seed inside her. 

They lay there for several moments as they caught their breath before Solas pulled his now softening cock from her, collapsing onto his back beside her. Sahira rolled to her side, laying her head on his chest.

They made love twice more before the night ended. Once with Sahira straddling him, rolling her hips slowly as he clung to them to steady her, and the other with her on her knees and her face resting on the soft fur of his cloak as he took her from behind. She knew his fingers would leave bruises. Between sessions he had grabbed books off the shelves he thought she’d like to see, sharing with her some of his favorite places of old Elvhenan. The tales left her feeling both empty and full of wonder.

They didn’t speak when it was over, but he helped her dress and they held each other for a long while after. They both what their futures held, knew that the commitments they made to each other didn’t eliminate the commitments they've made to their people. “Ar lath ma, falon’saota.” 

“Ar lath ma, vhanan,” He gave her one last kiss before she went through the eluvian.

It deactivated again once she’d reached the old apothecary's house. It was cold and empty.

***

“I don’t think I should continue working on the eluvian.” Her advisers looked up from the war table with matching perplexed looks. “I’m not making any headway, perhaps we should contact Fiona and the College of Enchanters?” If she were honest, she hadn’t made any real attempts since her night with Solas. She could have used their meeting to her advantage, looking back in retrospect, and perhaps it was a selfish desire to not taint the moment by attempting to make her position better. Instead she sat up at night, hoping that it would reactivate and he would come to her. In her more wild fantasies she imagined he had abandoned his quest to restore what was, and they ran off together to explore the world as she’d always dreamed. Regardless, she was making no headway.

“Why not Vivienne and the new circles?” asked Cullen. Sahira scrunched up her face at the mention of circles. Vivienne might had been a trusted member of the Inquisition, but Sahira had worked too hard to free the mages to support her new circles.

“I’d rather Fiona.” Is all she said. 

“I’ll send a message to the College of Enchanters asking for their assistance.” Josephine said as she wrote down a note.

“Perhaps just Fiona,” Sahira suggested. “We don’t know if there are agents of Fen’harel among her people. Best to tell as few people as possible. Tell her to pick humans to help her, ones she trusts and that can keep a secret.” Of course, Solas already knew they had the eluvian, but he also thought that she was the one currently researching it and failing at doing so. Josephine nodded, and revised the reminder she had written. “Is there anymore news?” 

“Divine Victoria’s spies have heard rumblings from Tevinter, a wave of discontent amongst the slaves,” Aniela held out a report to her. Sahira took it, skimming over the words as her sister continued. “She thinks it’s likely the work of Fen’harel’s agents, but her network’s presence is Tevinter is too lacking to find out for sure.”

“Or perhaps the slaves are tired of being slaves?” Sahira suggested, though she knew it could easily just be both. “I’ll contact Dorian, see what he’s been hearing. Can we spare any agents to send to Tevinter?” Even if Solas’ agents hadn’t reached there yet - which Sahira doubted - she could use the opportunity to perhaps bring some to her side. Solas was not the only one who could help those who were enslaved.

“Our men are spread thin enough as it is,” Cullen informed. “We have less than half of a company, and they’re spread out across all of Thedas, mostly still helping in the Hinterlands.” Sahira nodded. Even four years after the mage rebellion the area was still struggling to rebuild, and the soldiers whom were there now had been so since she had defeated Corypheus. Truthfully, Sahira wasn’t even sure if she could trust their loyalty. She had never had to wonder before, her men had been loyal to a fault, but so many of them left to join Solas after the Exalted Council.

“Do we have the resources to send me to Tevinter?” she asked after a moment. “If I could get there, Dorian and I could investigate more.” 

“Or you’ll end up in chains too.” Cassandra said skeptically. 

“I have faith our magister friend will not let that happen.” 

“Do you not think it’s wiser you stay here?” Cullen asked. Sahira tried to ignore how he was looking at where her arm once was. “Given everything that’s happened, do you not think it’s better if you lead from behind?”

“I have been leading from behind for months now, and we have gotten nowhere. We have found no new news of Solas’ movements and we have made no other headway that could be beneficial to stopping him.” _‘No, I just bonded myself to him for my own selfish desires.’_ She held her hand to her chest, feeling the ring that hung on a chain under her shirt. She had woken one morning not long after their night together to the chain on her nightstand beside it. She had a feeling Cole had been behind the gift. “I’m ready to return to the field. I have a harness for my staff, and really a staff is just a foci. I can cast spells with one arm.”

Her advisers all nodded, deferring to her judgement. 

She felt like the Inquisitor again, whatever that meant anymore.

***

“I’m not sure if you’d be very welcome in Minrathous.” The crystal ebbs with the flow of Dorian's words. “There are still those that sympathized with the Venatori who are not your fans.”

“Well it’s a good thing I don’t have to fly Inquisition heraldry everywhere I go now.” She was sitting in her bed in the apothecary's house, the crystal balanced on her knee as she looped her finger through the ring on her neck. She could get away with wearing it in Minrathous, she thought. She planned on taking Sera, who would likely never notice or think anything of it, and Dorian would understand. He’d chastise her, remind her of her broken heart and the nights he had stayed up comforting her both years ago and after the Exalted Council, but he would understand. “Come on, Dorian, think of the fun we could have. You could pass me off as your elven mistress, show me all the best taverns in town, and maybe one of those bathhouses you spoke so much about it.

He laughed. “I don’t think you’d find those bathhouses as enjoyable as I do, Sahira.” He was quiet for a moment. “You and Sera, you said?” She gave an affirmative hum. “Oh my mother will be so scandalized. Not only moving in two elven women, but I’m not even sleeping with either of them.”

“More scandalized than if you brought home Bull?” she asked. “Leliana once told me it’s easy to hide a big scandal with a smaller one.”

“You know, our dear former Sister Nightingale made a very good point then,” he acquiesced. “Plus I could bond with all the other magisters over elven mistresses.” 

“See, there’s a silver lining in everything, Magister Pavus.”

“You know, you’re really sounding like your old self again,” he remarked. “I’m happy, we were all worried about you for awhile.” 

_‘Well I finally got a good fucking like you always suggested and it really did the trick’_ is on the tip of her tongue, but she didn’t want to tell him all that now. She would at some point, if she could tell anyone it was Dorian. Instead she settled for, “I feel like myself again.” And she did, truly. She felt determined to fight this fight, and to save Solas as she’d promised him all those months before.

“When will you be in Minrathous? I’ll prepare the guest rooms.” 

“Josephine says there is a ship we can catch from Jader in two weeks time, so we could be in Minrathous in a month.” 

“Well I will go and tell Mother,” Dorian declared. “Hopefully she’ll get all her comments out before you arrive.” They said their goodbyes and Sahira tapped the crystal to end the conversation.

“You need water.” Cole’s sudden appearance beside her almost sent her tumbling off the bed. Luckily he reached out, catching her arm and helping her maintain her balance. Once he’d helped her right herself, he gave her a tankard filled with water. 

“Thank you, Cole,” She said, taking a sip of it and setting it aside.

“You should drink it all, and you should eat. You haven’t eaten since you breakfast. You need to eat,” the concern in his voice seemed to not be proportional to the context. It was only a few hours past noon, and yes she had been ignoring the hunger pains for the last hour or so but she had had a busy day so far. She picked the tankard back up, taking a big gulp and keeping it in her hand this time to please the spirit.

“I’ll eat at dinner, Cole. I’ve got reports to read over.”

“You need to eat more than you need to read reports.” 

“You are very concerned about my food intact, Cole,” She gave him a reassuring smile. “I’m fine, Cole. Just because it’s called a hunger pain doesn’t mean I’m in pain.”

“But you need it,” he insisted before he was gone. Sahira sighed, and finished off the water while she waited for him to reappear, likely with food this time.

***  


Cole really seemed to be fussing over her over the next few days as she prepared to leave for Minrathous. One morning he had materialized in the war room, forcing another tankard of water into her hands and insisting she needed to drink. She had also found her ale was being replaced with water the one time she had decided to join Bull and the chargers for another evening in the tavern. His actions had seemed isolated to Sahira as well, as no one else in Haven was reporting having even seen him other than when he appeared beside her.

Even Solas had thought it was odd when she mentioned it to him one night during her dreams - and truthfully she hadn’t wanted to spend the first time she’d seen him since their bonding discussing Cole’s latest odd-even-for-Cole behavior but he had seemed so confounded by it. Sahira had a suspicion he had played up his curiosity so that she wouldn’t ask how someone who was currently asleep looked so exhausted. She still had, but he avoided the question. She didn’t tell him of her plans to leave for Minrathous.

“You should not go to Minrathous,” Cole insisted the evening before they left for Jadar. “You would be safer in Haven.”

“Cole, when have I made a habit of going where I’m safest?” The joke was lost on him.

“It’s a long journey, and horses are...bad.” 

“Did you have a bad experience with a horse or something recently?” He disappeared rather than answer her question. Sahira stood still for a moment, giving the spot where he had been a quizzical look before returning to her packing.

***  


Cole appeared behind Sera on her horse about halfway through their ride to Jadar. She screamed so loudly that Sahira had worried they were under attack. “_It_ can’t come!” Sera all but threw herself off her horse to put space between her and the spirit. Sahira palmed her face with an exasperated sigh.

“I ate just an hour ago, Cole, and I have a whole skin of water,” she motioned to the skin that hung from her saddle bags. “And I assure you, Dorian will not be letting us go hungry.”

“Travel is dangerous for you right now!” Sahira was wondering if Cole just didn’t know how to vocalize what had him so worked up about her lately, but they were on a tight schedule and she didn’t have time to try and work it out with him. Perhaps he thought she didn’t have enough people with her? She had decided it was safer for it to just be her, Sera and a scout who rode out ahead of them. No one else had been particularly eager to join her in going to Tevinter. She’d only convinced Sera by telling her she could help the little people and give some uptight magisters their comeuppance. 

“If you are so concerned with me traveling then you can come along, Cole, just ride with me and not Sera.”

***

“What’s it’s obsession with you lately?” Sera hissed at her as they ate a stew that was mostly water and what Sahira hoped wasn’t rat in the galley of the ship they’d left Jadar on. Cole had declared the food not good enough for her, and disappeared to presumably find something he deemed acceptable.

“Honestly? I haven’t a clue,” Sahira pushed the offending bowl away, feeling her stomach starting to churn just looking at it. She normally found Cole’s behavior rather endearing, but after over two weeks of being the sole target of his care she was at her wit’s end. She hadn’t even let anyone help with her hair after losing her arm, but Cole was treating her like a helpless child who needed to be reminded to eat and drink. Ironically, she probably needed him to do just this after the Exalted Council, yet he hadn’t gotten like this until she had finally felt like herself again.

“Think he’s sweet on you?” 

“I don’t think that’s it.” Especially not after Solas and she had helped him embrace his nature all those years ago. “I’m going to return to our cabin before he shows up with the captain’s food and we get thrown overboard.”

“Not gonna finish your mystery stew?” Sahira shook her head, giving Sera the go ahead to eat her share as she stood up and walked back to their cabin. 

Their cabin was one of the smallest - and cheapest - available for passengers. There had been a time where they could afford to rent the Captain’s if they so desired, but money was much tighter now that the Inquisition no longer existed, at least officially. Leliana had done what she could to provide them with support on the low, but there was no more budget for the frills she had become used to over the years. There was still a fifty-fifty chance that if someone knew who she was they’d insist on giving her something more, but revealing herself was another luxury she no longer had.

She laid down on one of the two hammocks and closed her eyes. She was exhausted from their ride, it was a tight turn around and they’d had to keep the nightly stops to the absolute bare minimum to catch the ship before the waking sea became nearly uncrossable from winter storms. She was nearly asleep with Cole appeared behind her, and the smell of roasted meat drew her enough to open her eyes. “You’re going to need to tell me what your issue is, Cole.” She still took the offered food, pulling some of the mystery bird from the bone and popping it in her mouth.

Cole shifted his weight from foot to foot, his hat obscuring his eyes. “I don’t know if I'm supposed to tell you.” 

“Well it clearly concerns me, so I think you can tell me.” She tried her best to keep her voice calm and even. 

“I noticed it when I brought you the necklace,” he said, looking pointedly at the glimpse of delicate chain around her neck. “You are more, your spirit is overfull. I had never seen it before. So bright, so new.” He was staring at her now, not in his normal way though. It was almost like he was in awe of her.

Sahira nodded, definitely confused. Did it have something to do with her and Solas’ bonding? She had always thought the spirit joining part of bonding was a romantic idea, but not real. Perhaps it had something to do with what Solas was? “Have you figured out what it means?” Cole nodded, the buckles on his hat making a quiet clank. “Are you going to tell me?” 

“You’re with child.”

Well, shit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> asa'ma'lin - sister  
ir abelas - I'm sorry  
Ma serannas - My thanks  
Elgarala enaste var aravel. Lama ara las mir lath. Bellanaris. - Spirits favor our path. I am yours and I will give you my love. Eternally. (I modified this from the vows in the Lavellan/Cullen romance)  
Ar lath ma - I love you  
falon’saota - spouse/bondmate


	2. Part II

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the lateness of this chapter. It's been done for sometime, but between a bunch of life stuff I wasn't able to format and post it.
> 
> I used [The Thedas Language Project](https://archiveofourown.org/tags/Thedas%20Language%20Project/works) for many of the names here, along with any elfish that isn't in the games.

Sahira let her hand rest over her stomach as they pulled into the port of Minrathous. She’d had plenty of time to consider what grew within on their journey. It was the worst possible thing that could happen. It was ill timed, she didn’t know what would await them in Tevinter, and she was unsure of how to factor Solas into this.

Still, she couldn’t be happier. 

It was still early, but the pregnancy had felt strong when she’d used her magic to check. She hadn’t told Sera, and wasn’t sure when she intended to. She wasn’t sure when she intended to tell anyone really. She knew she was keeping the child, so it would have to come out eventually but she had several more months before it would be necessary. She worried how she would care for an infant, if she would be able to protect it from all the dangers of her life.Sahira clutched her stomach protectively at the thought of everything that could go wrong. 

“You will be able to protect it.” Cole was beside her now, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. “Have you told Solas?”

“No.” And she didn’t plan on it, whenever he decided to grace her dreams with his presence again. Cole seemed to have this idea in his head that this baby was the answer to all their problems, she would tell Solas and he would forsake his stupid plan and everyone would life happily ever after. Sahira doubted it was that easy, and truthfully Cole probably did to. Solas had more than proven he could separate his feelings from his task, and she worried that would extend to this. She would rather he never know than to know he valued Elvhenan over their _ child _, that he’d be willing to let both her and the baby burn with the world. 

“He needs to know,” Cole insisted. “It’ll help, Sahira.”

“Cole, my child is not a bargaining chip to convince their father to do the right thing,” Sahira said firmly. “It’s one thing to put myself through all of this with Solas, it’s a completely different thing to put all that on a child. I will decide when - and _ if _ \- he will be told.”

Sera finally found her way on deck, ending any baby conversation there. Despite the fact that Sahira was the pregnant one, Sera had been violently nauseous for the last two weeks. “I’m sick of this boat bullshit,” she declared, leaning against the railing looking a little green in the face.

“I think you’re actually sick of the mystery stew.” Sera vomited before she could retort. 

*******

“Did Sera actually vomit all over my carriage?” asked Dorian as Sahira walked into his study. It reminded her a little of his nook in the Skyhold library. Tall bookshelves liked the wall and there was a reading area on the far side by a large window. Dorian was currently situated at his desk towards the center of the room looking over some paperwork.

“Sorry about that.” Dorian gave her a big smile, standing up from his desk. He crossed the room and pulled her into a hug.

“Well I’m sure the smell will come out eventually,” He said as he moved to hold her at arm’s length. “It’s good to see you.”

“It’s good to see you too, Dorian,” Sahira patted his shoulder with her hand, before they separated and made their way over to the reading area. 

“Are you hungry? I can send for lunch or some tea.” He must have seen something in Sahira’s face before he continued, “They’re not slaves. My time in the south has softened me. My servants are paid and free to go - most of them at least. There are still some on the summer estate. Mother is putting up quite the fight about freeing them. _ ‘Who will tend the gardens, Dorian?’ _ ” His voice went up a little bit in the last part in what Sahira assumed was an impression of his mother. “And they _ technically _ belong to her, part of her dowry, so I don’t have a lot of recourse.” 

“I think paid laborers can tend a garden,” Sahira pointed out, taking a seat in one of the armchairs. 

“Ah yes, I tried explaining that to mother but she is very stubborn,” Dorian sat in the other armchair across from her. “But everyone in this estate is a freeman - or woman. I promise you that.” 

Sahira nodded. “That’s good of you, Dorian. I know it’s not the norm here.” 

“Since when have I concerned myself with norms?” He flashed her a smirk. “So, you’ve got a plan to let me in on, I presume?”

“Not so much a plan as some disjointed ideas that will hopefully become a plan.” Sahira leaned back in the chair, relishing something other than a hammock or rocky wooden stool to sit on. “We don’t have the best picture of what’s going on within the slave community here. That’s why I brought Sera.” Sahira supposed she too could pass among the slaves in Minrathous, but between her vallaslin and the baby it wouldn’t be the safest choice. “She will be able to tell us if she hears anything about Fen’harel, and I’m sure it wouldn’t hurt if we insured any particularly awful slavers were dealt with. As for you...well I was hoping you wouldn’t mind pariahing yourself some more.”

“It’s what sustains me, Sahira.” 

“Good, because I don’t know quite how yet but I am positive we will need to use you and your friends in the magisterium,” Sahira declared. “I’m still foggy on how, but once I’ve got a better idea of what’s going on I’m sure there will be something I need from the Lucerni.” 

“Mae will certainly want to meet you before making any promises,” Dorian explained. “I’ve invited her to join us for dinner tomorrow so we can go ahead and get all the introductions out of the way.” 

Sahira nodded. “I look forward to meeting this Maevaris Tilani. You’ve spoken so highly of her.”

“She’s dying to meet you too. Says between me and Varric, she feels like she already knows you.” 

“Varric?” Sahira had no idea why Varric would be telling a Tevinter magister about her. 

“Yes, I didn’t know this until recently that they knew each other.” Dorian laughed, “It’s really a small world, isn’t it?” 

“I think it’s more that power is held amongst a small minority.” 

“While that is true, it’s also a much less fun thought.” Dorian crossed one leg over his knee, leaning back in the chair. “So, anything else to share?” 

Sahira paused, mentally debating if she should tell Dorian about Solas and the pregnancy yet. Part of her wanted to keep it to her little secret for a few more months, but realistically there would need to be arrangements for a midwife and likely a nursemaid. Not to mention it would be good to have someone other than Cole’s opinion on it. “I might have made a...arguable poor decision.” It is not as if she necessarily regretted what she and Solas had done, but it was proving to have more consequences than she had anticipated. 

It was almost comical how quickly Dorian’s face went from his normal cockiness to serious worry. “Did that poor decision involve our former friend turned Elven God?” 

She didn’t bother with the semantics that he had been Fen’harel from the beginning. “You know me too well,” She sighed, resting her face on her hand. “It’s a long story, but we met up and had sex.” She’d leave the bonding out for now. That was between her and Solas. 

“Sahira, I am all for some hedonism, but sleeping with a man who you’re trying to stop from ending the world is a poor choice.”

“I knew it was a poor choice when I made it. So did he.” Sahira assured, before taking a long breath to calm herself for what she had to say next. “I’m with child. I found out on the way here. Only you and Cole know right now, and I suppose I need to tell Sera sooner rather than later.” Dorian looked flabbergasted, opening his mouth several times before he finally managed to get any words out.

“Was the sex at least good?”

“I really enjoyed it.” 

“Well at least there’s that. It would be a shame if he had put you through all that heartbreak and the sex wasn’t even good.” Dorian is quiet another moment before he spoke again. “What are you going to do about the…” He pointed to her stomach and made some kind of round motion.

“I’m going to be a mother,” Sahira shrugged. “Babes are born all the time. Rain or shine, rich or poor, war or peace, the one constant is babies will continue to be born. I want this.” 

Dorian nodded. “How does Solas factor into this?”

“No differently than before,” Sahira assured. “It’s not like the world he wants is one our child would be welcome in.” She silent a moment before she continues. “I...I still hope we can find a way to stop him without killing him, I truly do, but if that’s what is comes down to…” She let her hand come to rest over her stomach before she continued. She’d always known that killing Solas was a very real possibility but saying it aloud made it feel too real. “I think before there was always the chance that I wouldn’t be able to do it, that I’d freeze when the time came, so I suppose this is just extra motivation to make sure I don’t.” 

*******

Her dreams that night were of a little house deep in the woods. It wasn’t a new dream, but one she hadn’t allowed herself in some time. The house wasn't ornate or fancy like she'd become accustomed to while rubbing elbows with Thedas' rich and powerful, but it was homey and sturdily built. She was outside it, sitting in a little garden of herbs and vegetables. A creek flowed nearby, and dense forests like that of the Arbor Wilds surrounded the clearing. Perhaps this place is meant to be in the Arbor Wilds, but Sahira had never given much thought to what lay beyond the tree line.

The inward facing Dread Wolf statues near the entrance of the fence were new though. The Sahira who had originally dreamed this place would never have done that. She turned back to tending the garden, an ultimately pointless task given that none of this was real, but one she found herself taking pleasure in nonetheless. It was pitifully domestic, though this whole dream was an exercise in pitiful domesticity. It's part of the reason she'd tried to hard to hide it away from Solas when they'd been together in Skyhold. 

She finished up with her dream garden and went inside the house, balancing a basket of produce on her hip as she went. "Mamae?"

The sound made her turn towards the small living area of the house, where a little boy was seated at a low table on the ground. Sahira hoped her shock didn't show on her face. The dream child was as new as the Dread Wolf statues. She supposed it shouldn't be too shocking given her current condition. "Is something wrong, mamae?" She must have taken too long to reply, because the child was giving her a worried look.

"No, you just startled me is all," Sahira smiled at her, placing the basket on the table. "Will you help me peel these?" He was a handsome boy, about five or six with dark hair and her eyes.

"Does Fen'an have to help too?" Alright, two dream children. 

"Yes, why don't you go get her?" The little boy ran off, yelling for Fen'an. A few moments later she hears an annoyed _ "Eolas!" _from another room. Sahira liked the names, and made a note of them in her mind for the waking world.

Eolas returned a few moments later with Fen'an, who must be his twin as she looked to be the same age but clearly favored Sahira in appearance. She set them to their task of peeling potatoes and elfroot as she took a pitcher outside to gather water.

"A beautiful dream." Solas appeared beside her as she reached the water’s edge. Sahira hoped the dream children remained inside. She might have been ready to share dreams of the house in the woods with him, but not the children - dream or otherwise. _ He _ was the reason this would never be. The child she carried would be born in _ Minrathous _ of all places, and likely spend most of its life being dragged around from one place that needed her to the next. 

"It is." She wanted to be able to be angry at him for denying them this, but as always, she was just happy to see him. She wondered for a moment if she _ should _ tell him, that perhaps Cole was right. _ 'Don't be silly.' _ she chastised herself. 

"I've never seen this before." He placed a hand on her hip, using it to gently pull her forward and kiss her forehead. 

"You don't know all my dreams." She let herself relax a little against his chest. 

"Why dream of this?" It wasn't meant to be condescending, wasn't a demand for her to justify a dream of normalcy, but she still felt herself become defense of it.

"I used to dream of this place often after you left," she started to explain, trying to find the right words to describe what this was to her. "It's a little silly but...I always hoped we'd settle in a place like this." Solas seemed taken aback by her confession. She focused on the fur across his shoulder rather than looking at his face. "At first, I had this hope you'd come back, and we could run away and build a home. After awhile it just became a way to...cope, I suppose."

"You didn't want to return to the Dalish?" 

Sahira laughed at that, "What would I have done, join another clan? Maybe if I weren't a mage that would be possible, but between being a mage and being the Inquisitor I would have never found a clan that would have welcomed me. Not long term, at least." She pulled away from his chest. "But this? It's a nice thought." 

Solas nodded, looking around the clearing. "It is a nice thought." His voice was quiet, almost as if he hadn't actually meant to speak. 

His not rejection of what she had dreamed for them gave her confidence. "It doesn't have to be a thought. We could just leave.” She knew should the Inquisition be needed again Cassandra would be a capable leader, and Sahira suspected none of the remaining ancient elves were powerful enough to tear down the veil without Solas. It really could be that easy, if Solas would just let it.

"Ma vhenan…" he sighed, clearly trying to find a way to reject the idea without hurting her. Sahira made a frustrated noise, moving further away from him.

"Don't _ ma vhenan _ me," she exclaimed, as if all the anger she should have been feeling towards him came all at once. "Why do you keep doing this to us if you're insistent on being unbudging on your plans. I've made it very clear I still love you and I still want you -all of you, Solas and Fen'harel- and you claim the same but if you _ really _ loved me you'd ..." Her voice cracked, and she felt the hot tears welling in her eyes. "You'd just stop all this." She turned away from him, using the end of her sleeve to wipe away her tears. She didn’t want him to see them, but knew he had.

"I do love you, Sahira." His hand tentatively touched her shoulder. She shrugged it off. She didn't need to see his face to know her rejection had hurt him. She doesn’t like that felt happy to hurt him for once. "Ir abelas, vhenan, this is...unfair to you. It has all been incredibly unfair to you." 

She let out a long shaky breath, "you don't need to do this. So what if the veil isn't meant to be there? It is, and the world has adjusted around it." She forced herself to turn back to him. He couldn't meet her eyes. "I'm real. Just because we're different doesn't mean I'm not _ real _. My life will be shorter, but do I love any less than you do? Do I feel less pain?"

"No, vhenan, you-"She didn't let him finish. She didn't want to hear his attempts to soothe her.

"Do you really have more in common with an elf like Abelas than you do with me?" She demanded. "A coward who hides away in a crumbling temple hoarding knowledge, caring nothing for the plight of The People? You're wrong but at least you care enough to try and do _ something _ . Yet somehow weak men like him deserve to live but me -the woman you claim to love, your _ bondmate _ \- I don't."

"I never said you didn't deserve to live, vhenan." He looked so hurt. Sahira didn’t care.

"Your actions have said it clear enough, Solas. Please leave. I was having a pleasant dream.” He was gone in a blink.

*******

The morning after her fight with Solas she asks Dorian to find her a midwife and something to keep her from dreaming. She can't put herself through the stress of continuing to see him, it wasn't good for her child. Dorian nodded knowingly, and promised he'd find a good discrete midwife. 

She went to see Sera after breakfast, who was overcoming her mystery stew induced illness. One of Dorian's servants had brought her broth to sip on, but Sera had been disgusted at the idea of any form of soup or stew so Sahira brought some toast with her. "Bread is a wonderful thing, innit?" She asked, spray crumbs all over what Sahira suspects is a very expressive bedspread.

"Do you think you'll be well enough to start working again soon?"

"Already started. Been talking up Dorian's little people - they say he's good, but his mother could use some comeuppance. Nothing bad just like...maybe mess with her hair or something." Sahira had a suspicion something would be happening to Dorian’s mother’s hair. "One told me he's got a friend that might be good to talk to. Lives in the alienage."

"I don't think they call them alienages here," Sahira commented. Sera shrugged, shoving the rest of the toast in her mouth. "But that's good work, Sera. I admire your dedication to this." 

Sera shrugged, "No place has more people who are too big for their breeches than Tevinter. Except maybe Orlais." 

"When you're feeling up to it, I want you to go into the alienage," Slums? Ghettos? Sahira would have to find out what the area where the enslaved and the poor lived were called in Tevinter. "See if you can find any whisperings about Fen'harel. Maybe we're lucky and we got here before he formed any kind of strong presence." 

"Got it, Sahira. I can probably do it this afternoon, yeah?"

"Maybe you should give yourself one more day to recover," Sahira gave her a small smile, patting her shoulder as she stood. "I won't be able to be as actively in the field as I would like, or I'd go with you." 

“Somethin’ wrong?” asked Sera. Sahira considered her next words carefully as she rolled her bottom lip between her teeth.

“I’m with child, it’s why Cole was behaving so oddly.” Sera stared at her, blinking a few times in quick succession before she spoke.

“I don’t get the appeal, but you must really love him.” 

Sahira knitted her eyebrows in confusion. “Cole?”

“No, Solas. Cole’s probably not elfy enough for you.” Sahira would protest, but she knew that it was a valid criticism. She was perhaps a bit to “elfy” as Sera would put it. 

“I understand if you’re angry, and if you would like to leave, you’re welcome to.” Sahira assured. She had put the chances of Sera leaving at a pretty even split. 

"Why? Because you slept with Elfy Elf? I mean, I don't know _ why _, but I don't really understand why anyone wants to do the baby making do." Sera looked a little disgusted at the thought. "Like all the other sexy bits I get but…bleh." She stuck out her tongue in a fake vomiting motion, which led to real vomit. Sahira is happy she got off the bed. 

*******

Maevaris Tilani was a stunning woman, with short curled blonde hair and a personality that filled the room when she entered it. "You must be Inquisitor Lavellan that I've heard so much about," she said before Dorian could handle the former introductions. "Magister Maevaris Tilani, but I'll let you call me Mae since both Dorian _ and _ Varric are so fond of you."

"How do you know Varric?" Sahira asked, shaking her hand. 

"I was married to his late cousin, Thorold," she explained.

Sahira hadn't been aware that interracial marriages were allowed in Tevinter. She had assumed it would be more like Orlais, where such things were seen as dirty secret affairs."Oh, I'm sorry for your loss."

Mae made a semi-dismissive motion with her hand, "he was a darling man and wonderful husband, but it's been some time since his passing. Long enough to not hear '_ I'm sorry for your loss' _ anymore." 

The three of them sat at the table as one of Dorian's servants -a middling aged elf named Cassius - poured them drinks. Sahira thanked him. "So, Dorian has told me that your lover is trying to tear down the veil and end the world." 

Sahira nodded, "he is the elven God Fen'harel. He created the veil to seal away the other Evanuris. Now he wants to tear it back down."

"Seems like a poor idea, if you ask me," Dorian declared. "I mean beyond the destruction it would cause, there's also the angry Gods who have been trapped in the Fade for millenia." 

Mae laughed, "it's not much different from the Venatori, really. They would have destroyed the world just for the chance to restore Tevinter to what they viewed as its highest glory." Sahira prickled a little at the comparison between Solas and the Venatori. It wasn't an inaccurate comparison, but she disliked it all the same.

"We received some intelligence suggesting he was active here. I suspect it might involve the slave population." She took a long sip of her drink. "My theory is disorienting Tevinter with a revolt would both satisfy his desire to end slavery and escaped elven slaves would drastically increase his numbers. Not to mention I’m sure there are elven artefacts or tomes from Elvhenan that would be easier to get if Tevinter is in turmoil."

"Well, that's certainly troubling." Cassius brought out a loaf of warm sliced bread and an olive spread, setting it between them. Maevaris reached out to take a piece and and spread a dollop of the olives on before continuing. "Especially when coupled with the reports from Par Vollen. They say the Qunari are preparing to attack the mainland. If the two were to coincide..." The unspoken words hung between the three of them. _ Tevinter would fall _.

*******

Sahira was trained in midwifery. It was one of the many skills required of a Keeper. She was actually quite good at it even. She had delivered her first babe at fifteen. Deshanna had gone to speak with the Keeper of another clan as they passed nearby, and left Sahira to look after the clan. It had been an incredible show of faith and Sahira had taken it very seriously. The baby hadn't been due to come for another few weeks, but the father had come pounding away on she and Aniela's aravel late in the evening panicked over his bondmate's pains. Years of training with Deshanna had taken over, and by morn her clan was one member stronger. She was allowed to begin preparing for her vallaslin as reward for her level headedness. 

She didn't think it was wise to be one's own midwife, though. She could do basic spells to check the health of her child but she wasn't able to do any of the physical tests needed, or deliver her own child. Still, she felt odd letting a Tevene mage care for her during such a vulnerable time. Dorian had assured her the midwife was discreet and safe, though. _ "She delivers all the powerful people's secret love children." _

Cassia was a short, slender woman whose face was heavily wrinkled with age. She spoke curtly as she set her bag down. "I don't know who you are, and I don't care to. It's better that way. I'll assure you and your child's health and safety through this process, and then I'll forget I've ever met you." Sahira nodded. The bedside manner was a tad lacking, but Sahira didn't care as long as her child was born safely and nobody found out about the former Inquisitor having a child. Particularly not any of Fen'harel's agents. "Do you know when conception occured? Have you quickened?"

"Almost 3 months hence," Sahira explained. "I haven't quickened yet, but I haven't had my monthly bleed and the pregnancy has been confirmed by my own magic and others'." 

"Well I will be confirming it as well, just to insure neither of us are wasting our time." Sahira didn't like the implication that she and Cole were both somehow wrong. But she allowed the midwife to hold her hands to her stomach, magic making them glow lightly. "Well, it seems you are with child and it has progressed as far as you claim." Sahira wondered if girls in Tevinter mistakenly believed they were pregnant or something often enough to cause Cassia's suspicion. 

"Can you tell how it's doing?" Sahira asked. The child had seemed strong whenever she'd checked it herself, but it had been several years since she'd had to do any of this and she was unsure how casting the spells on herself affected the results.

"Both babes are strong, it would seem." Cassia doesn't even stop, as if _ both babes _ was not a shocking phrase for an expectant mother to hear. "I'll leave you some-"

"I'm sorry, both?" The older woman looked annoyed.

"Yes, keep up, there are two babes." Sahira felt lightheaded. Her mind rushed with a thousand thoughts at once. She was already concerned about how she would care for one and save the world, let alone two. She didn't even have two arms! She thought about her mother, and how the stress of a twin birth had killed her. She felt sick. Cassia shoved a chamber pot towards her. "If you're going to be sick do it in there." 

Cassia continues to talk but Sahira only caught every other word. She's been left potions to take, one that will give her the dreamless sleep she'd requested and another that would provide her with extra nutrients for the children. Cassia said to send for her when she quickened or when two months had passed, whichever came first, then left without even a proper farewell. Sahira is very proud of herself for keeping from vomiting before she leaves.

Once she had gotten the chamber pot out of her sight, she lay back down on her bed and rested a hand on her stomach. The prospect of childbirth had not been too horrifying before. She knew it would be unpleasant, that it would hurt and there was always the possibility she wouldn't make it, but she had also helped deliver at least half a dozen children in her clan and only ever lost one and never lost a mother. She'd never had an experience with twins. The last set born into her clan had been herself and Aniela, and their mother had died on the birthing bed. 

Sahira prayed to the Creators - To Mythal, The Maker, whomever was actually listening and able to help - the same fate did not await her. She did not want to leave her children alone in this world. 

*******

Cole was fascinated by her stomach. The spirit had never been around a pregnant person before, and Sahira suspected that was why he had a much more apparent interest than Dorian or Sera. The other two showed their care in different ways - Dorian would hardly allow her to do anything and Sera would bring her little sweets when she’d come back from wherever she had spent the day gathering intel - but neither would stop and feel the swell that was beginning to form like Cole did. Sahira preferred that, she’d rather not be constantly touched, but she found she couldn’t deny Cole his curiosity. 

“Can you tell how they feel?” She asked, looking at him over her book. He was knelt in front of her chair, resting a hand over her stomach. 

“Not the way I can with you, their feelings aren’t as complicated,” Cole explained. “They’re...warm, and happy. I can tell them apart now.” Sahira nodded. “You should tell him.”

“Cole, we’ve had this discussion.” And the discussion about how she was _ not _ speaking to Solas right now. Cole disagreed with that as well, but hadn’t pushed when she’d broken down into tears at the memory of their fight.

“You’re scared,” He straightened up to be able to meet her eyes. “You keep thinking about your mother.”

“I suspect many women do at this time,” Sahira mused. 

“Your father wasn’t there. She died alone. You’re scared of the same.” 

“That was different.” She marked her place in her book, and set it aside. “My father was from an entirely other clan, we were conceived during an Arlathvhen. He was probably somewhere in Ferelden when we were born, not trying to _ end the world _ .” She’d met her father once, at the Arlathvhen when she was ten, right after she had been named First. Her father was a nice enough man named Davhalla, and he had been quite proud of what she and Aniela had accomplished already in their short lives. Sahira had never thought that he’d loved their mother, but Arlathvhen was one of the few times that Dalish found it acceptable to love freely outside of a bonding, as children conceived at the gathering were seen as good luck for their clans. _ ‘I was more a curse _.’

“No you weren’t.” Cole reached out to rest a hand on her shoulder. “You did everything you could for your clan.”

“If that were true they’d be alive.” She had made many hard choices in her time as Inquisitor, many that she regretted, but her choice to trust the safety of her clan to Josephine’s political games was one that would haunt her. She was still new to being Inquisitor and thought it was best to let Josephine handle such things as negotiating with allies. She should have let Cullen send troops.

“Josephine was doing her best.”

“I know, Cole.” Sahira sighed and stood up. “I’m going to take a nap.”

“You’re not that kind of tired.” She knew that all too well.

*******

“Have you written to your sister to inform her of her impending aunthood?” Dorian’s question broke the comfortable silence they’d been working in. Sahira looked up from where she’d been writing. She’d been attempting to create a dictionary of the elven language using the Vir’Abelasan. It mostly involved throwing a basic word at them until they gave her the translation. It was slow going, but she was making progress. “Cullen too, I suppose.”

“I haven’t.” Sahira rolled her lower lip between her teeth. It’s not as if she hadn’t tried, it’s just that every letter had seemed wrong. She didn’t know how Aniela would react, but she didn’t think it would be well. She didn’t understand how Sahira could still love Solas after finding out who he was, she doubted she’d understand the series of choices that led her to carrying his children. She had even drafted a few letters to Cullen instead, but that felt underhanded.

“Why not? If you wrote her soon, I’m sure she and Cullen could make it here before the birth.” Dorian put his book down. “Don’t you want her here?”

“Yes...but also not really.” Sahira sighed, letting her head flopped back against the chair. “She probably wouldn’t come anyways. She’d probably disown me and curse my children.” 

“That is very pessimistic, Sahira. You’re all the family each other have left, she’ll be overjoyed to have more.”

“Their father is Fen’harel, Dorian,” Sahira reminded. “I know that the lore we grew up with is inaccurate, and so does Aniela, but she still sees him as evil. In her mind, everything he’s done just lives up to his reputation in our legends. And I can’t really fault her for feeling that, because in a way it’s true. Aniela never got to know Solas, she doesn’t understand that he’s more _ complicated _ than that, and she doesn’t want to hear about it.” She’s quiet, trying to think of an analogy that would work. “Imagine if we found out Maferath was still alive today, and a devout Andrasten still willingly and knowingly married him and bore his children. How do you think people would react to that?”

“Not well,” Dorian agreed. “What are you going to do? Never see her again? Never tell her of your children?” Sahira shrugged, resting a hand over her stomach. She had quickened two weeks past, and Cassia had assured her everything was going well but it was common for twins to come early so she needed to take it easy. Sahira wasn’t sure she knew how to do that anymore, but her increasing size forced the issue.

“It’s likely I _ won’t _ ever see her again,” She mused. “I don’t know if I’ll ever be going back to Ferelden, and I doubt she’ll ever be leaving there again. I mean, her and Cullen might have their own child on the way by now. It’s nearing a year since they married.” It had been some months since Aniela had written. They’d left for South Reach shortly after Sahira had left for Minrathous. Aniela had sent a letter telling of their safe arrival and her newfound love for Cullen’s nieces and nephews. Sahira had broken down each time she’d tried to reply, the thought of her children not being as loved and accepted driving her to tears. Just remembering it made her eyes well. She looked away, hoping Dorian hadn’t noticed. She was so quick to tears these days, and she knew academically it was the pregnancy, but she hated it. 

“Well, all three of you are still stuck with me,” Dorian stood up, and gave her a smile. “I think we deserve a treat, don’t you? Let’s go see if we can find some chocolates.” 

*******

Sera’s attempts to recruit new members to the Red Jennys was going pretty well. She had first recruited Artemus, the son of Dorian’s servant Cassius, who then brought in a few friends. There as Daphne, the daughter of a human liberati and an elven slave; Silus, who had once been a member of a Dalish clan before slavers took him as a child; and finally Vitus, an unassuming liberati elf who had developed a skill for poisoning from his former master. As liberati,Vitus and Artemus had much more freedom to move around the city and gather information, whereas Silus and Daphne were servus publis, which meant that they spent their days toiling away at public works with what was viewed as the lowest rung of society by Tevinter. Sera or Artemus would meet up with them late at night to learn of any new whispers among the slaves. The two had joined Sera because they didn’t want to risk the pain and suffering of another failed slave uprising.

“Daphne said there’s been an increase in runaways lately,” Sera propped her feet up on the dining table, leaning back in the chair.

“Sera, we all eat here,” scolded Dorian, pushing her feet off the table. “Slaves runaway all the time, unfortunately the slave hunters catch them more often than not.”

“See that’s the thing, yeah? Daphne says they haven’t been bringing that many back.” Sahira perked up, looking up from her work on the dictionary.

“Is someone helping them?”

“Word on the street is Elfy Elf is,” Sera said. “Or his little people are, I s’ppose.”

“How many?”

“Enough that it’s getting a lot harder to meet up with Daphne and Silus.” Sahira nodded. “Silus says he’s gonna try and meet one of ‘em, see if he can get some faces and names.” 

*******

“Master Dorian says you’re needed in the study, urgently.” The look on the serving girl’s face was enough get Sahira up and out of bed quicker than she’d moved in awhile. She waddled as quickly as she could past the girl and towards the stairs.

“Andraste’s fucking _ tits _!” Sera’s pained scream made Sahira bound down the stairs a little quicker than was safe. Dorian had her in a chair in his study, Cole holding her still as he pressed hard on her shoulder. Blood stained the front of her shirt, seeping through Dorian’s glowing hands and staining his sleeves.

“Sahira, could you help me? She’s got another one on her leg, we need to heal both before she bleeds out.” Sahira was lowering herself beside Sera’s leg before she’d even processed just how much blood was covering the left leg of her pants. The wound was deep and ugly, with white bone visible through all the layers of ripped pants, blood and flesh. She pressed her hand onto the wound, applying as much pressure as possible while she focused her magic on knitting the flesh back together as well as she could. Sera let out another pained yelp.

“What happened?” She asked, trying to focus past the feeling of warm blood seeping between her fingers. It was beginning to slow down to a trickle as her magic went to work.

“Found some agents. Got stabbed." Sera explained through gritted teeth. Dorian had mostly healed her shoulder, leaving just a shallow line of pink scar tissue. He knelt down to help Sahira with her leg.

“Was anyone else hurt?” Sahira asked, slowly pulling her hand away to insure the gash had closed sufficiently before letting Dorian take over. 

“Two dead.” Sahira nodded, placing what she hoped was a comforting hand on Sera’s uninjured thigh. Varric had once said that he was an awful spymaster because of how involved he became in his people’s wellbeing. Sera was that to the extreme, even if she didn’t want to view the increasingly more organized Red Jennys as a spy network - let alone _ her _ spy network. “Fucking _ fuck _ Solas.” 

“I believe Sahira did that.” Sahira gave Cole a look that she hoped conveyed that now was not the time to develop a sense of humor. 

“You need food and water, now,” Sahira said, holding out her hand to Cole to help her up. “You lost a lot of blood.”

“Would’a never guessed, Inquisitor Obvious.” Sahira tried not to take her harsh tone to heart, but between how sensitive the pregnancy was making her and the fact that Sera was out there following _ her _orders, it was hard not to just start crying right there. Sera shifted, using the arm of her uninjured shoulder to reach into the pack in her belt and hold out some papers. “Got some blood on ‘em.”

“I’m sure I can read around it. Cole, go get Sera something to eat and drink.” Sahira took the papers and set them aside to look at after Sera had been tended to. “Who did we lose?” 

“Artemus and Silus.” Dorian made a little noise and murmured _ “what a damn shame _” under his breath.

“We’ll have to make arrangements,” Sahira said to Dorian. “Can you do that?”

“I’ll handle it.” Dorian looked hesitant for a moment. “I suppose I should go tell Cassius about his son. Do you have Sera?” Sahira nodded. Once Dorian was gone she sat in the chair nearest Sera, and rested her face in her palm. She took a long shaky breath, trying to calm the tears welling in her eyes. 

“I wish others didn’t have to die for this.” She took a deep shaky breath. She knew logically that people had and would continue to die on her orders, but every time left a lump in her throat and a disgusted taste in her mouth. 

“That’s why you’re the good guy, Sahira,” Sera was very pale from her blood loss and her voice a little weaker than normal. “Ya think the Empress of Orlais cares if a foot soldier dies?” Cole appeared again beside Sera holding a plate of bread, meat and cheese along with a glass of water. He set it on the table near Sera. Sera thanked him, and even called him by name, which made Cole smile.

“Cole, Dorian is telling Cassius of his son’s death, perhaps he could use your help?” Sahira suggested it. Cole nodded and disappeared again.

“Sorry to worry ya like this, can’t be good for the munchkins.” 

“They’re tough. Plus you're not the one who made this necessary.” No that was their father. Part of her wanted to go and give him a piece of her mind again, but it seemed like a pointless effort. She looked at the blood splotted papers on the table. She hoped they contained _ something _ to help them, though at least now she knew they were in the right place. She picked up the papers, and used her teeth to untie the string. 

"Better be fucking good," Sera declared through a mouth full of bread. Sahira used some of Dorian's paper weights to keep the papers from rolling back up. The first page a map, old and starting to fade, while the other two were written in Tevene. Sahira would guess it was an older form of the language, as the ink was as faded as the map.

"Think Dorian can read ancient Tevene?" She asked, mostly to herself. Luckily Sera seemed to get that and continued to eat. "I think this is the Silent Plains." She pulled herself away from the map to go seek out one of Dorian's to compare it to. "It's what would make the most sense, I suppose. The whole area has been abandoned for over a thousand years. It's nothing but dust, wyverns, and ruins from what I hear." Sahira pulled the _ Maps of Thedas _ book off Dorian's shelf and carried it back to the table.

"I hate all those things." Sera groaned. Sahira couldn't help agreeing that it didn't sound like a pleasant place to visit, but it was also home to countless abandoned cities from before the First Blight. If there was a secret lost trove of elven artifacts in Tevinter, that's where Sahira would look first. She flipped through the book until she found the map of lower Tevinter to compare the bloody map to.

"Sorry, Sera, looks like that's the place." Sahira declared, "You'll need time to recover. We'll need time to translate the other pages. The map doesn't have a specific mark on it, but there are at least 20 different settlements marked on the old one that aren't on the new one." The area was close to the border with Nevarra. She could send word to The Iron Bull to get him and the Chargers to meet them. They could cover more ground, and it would be best to be prepared. Depending on how long it took to get some kind of translation, she might even be able to join.

*******

“You got names?” Sera was sprawled out on one of Dorian’s couches. It had been a week since she’d been injured, and while she was healed she’d taken to lazing about the manor while they waited on the translation of the Tevene documents. Dorian wasn’t versed enough in archaic forms of the language and instead had handed them off to Maevaris to work on. “You’re ‘bout to pop.”

“I have some names,” Sahira said from her spot in one of the armchairs. She’d gone over several, but the two from her dream all those months ago kept coming back to her. Fen’an and Eolas. They felt right, though she wasn’t sure if it was because of or in spite of how easily she could relate both to Solas. She had considered others but she always ended back at Fen’an and Eolas.

“Ya gonna share before they make their grand entrance?” Sera asked. Sahira shook her head. Regardless of what names she chose, she wanted to wait until her children were born to share them. It seemed like bad luck to announce them ahead of time, and Sahira was not discounting that she could see her children and decide on completely different names.

They fall back into a long silence before Sera speaks again. “Are you scared?”

“Terrified.” 

Sera nodded, “You’d be crazy if you weren’t. Childbirth?” Sera scrunched up her face. “I’d rather get stabbed again. And again. And again-” 

“I get it, Sera,” Sahira cut her off, trying to ignore the lump of worry that formed in her stomach whenever she thought of giving birth. “How’s Dagna?” she asked, trying to change the subject. She tried to listen as Sera explained whatever Dagna had been up to since they parted ways, but almost as soon as Sera opened her mouth she’d felt a cramp starting.

Sahira knew that false labor pains were common this late in pregnancy, and had been dealing with them on and off for a few weeks now but the last few days had been particularly bad. She shifted her position, hoping it would help the pain but it didn’t. She gripped the chair’s arm until her knuckles were white waiting for it to pass.

“You’re in pain.” Cole’s hand was cool against her shoulder. Sera stopped talking, and pushed herself up.

“Issit happenin’?” She asked, just barely veiling the panic in her voice. “Do you need that midwife?” 

“No, not yet,” Sahira assured. She might be entering the early stages, but that still means it could be another day or even two before it was necessary to send for Cassia. 

“Do...do I get Dorian?” Sera was looking around nervously. 

“I just need to rest,” Sahira assured. “Cole, can you help me to my room?” Cole took her hand, and wrapped his other arm around her waist to help her up. It was a slow walk up the stairs and to her room, but luckily Dorian had given her the first one in the hall. Cole helped her into her bed, and brought her a glass of water and moved her books to her bedside table so that she wouldn’t have to get up again if she didn’t need to. “Will you promise me something?”

“Yes.”

“If I don’t…” Her voice cracked a little, “If I don’t make it, tell Solas everything.”

“I promise.” 

*******

Dorian was with her when her water broke. Sahira had known it was coming, her labor pains had been growing more frequent and intense since the day before, but it didn’t change her shock when it actually happened. For a moment she’d even thought she’d just pissed herself. Cole was by her side before Dorian could even react, helping her to her bed once again as Dorian ran off to send for the midwife.

Sahira would be lying if she said she remembered much of it. She remembered the screaming and being in pain. She remembered Sera fainting and Dorian gladly volunteering to take her out of the room. She remembered Cole’s hand in hers, unflinching even as she squeezed hard enough to break a normal person’s bones. All of that was blurry though, more like flashes of images in her head than proper memories. 

She’ll remember those first cries for the rest of her life. 

The first was a girl, tiny and pink with a cry that filled the room. The boy came soon after, a little smaller than his sister and with softer little whines instead of ear shattering screams. Sahira wanted to hold them both, to never let them go, but Cassia handed them off to her assistant to bathe and so she could deliver the afterbirth. Sahira wasn’t even sure how she would hold one of them, let alone both, but that didn’t change the fact that she ached to. She ached for so much at that moment - for her children, for Solas, even for her sister - but at least her children were there and she just needed to wait a few more moments before her first born was being gently balanced on her arm. 

“Aneth ara Aneth ara, Fen’an,” She murmured quietly as her daughter squirmed closer to the warmth of her chest. The assistant handed Eolas to Cole, who for someone unfamiliar with children held him like a natural. 

“He’s very tiny,” Cole’s voice was quiet, more to himself than to Sahira. 

“Babies are tiny, Cole, but they grow quickly,” Sahira assured. Cassia was quick to clean up and leave after assuring herself all were well, just as she promised when Sahira had first met her. Truthfully, she hardly noticed the midwife leaving. She was too focused on her new children. “His name is Eolas.” She told Cole, smiling down at her little boy.

“Hello, Eolas.” Cole cooed at the baby. “He likes that name.” Cole turned his attention to Fen’an. “She likes hers too.” 

“I thought they would.” Sahira smiled. “Would you mind getting Dorian and Sera? Tell them all the gross bits are done.” 

*******

For almost two whole days, things seemed good for Sahira. Dorian was leading the search for a nursemaid for her, since as much as Sahira wanted to, she couldn’t care for both children on her own. Maevarius had finished translating the documents, which turned out to be a list of fortresses and former schools of magic in The Silent Plains. In the meantime, Cole barely left her side, helping her hold the babies and soothing them when they cried. 

Sera cooed at them in their bassinet, but only attempted to hold Eolas once before swearing off any baby handling until they were _ “more like people” _. The phrasing had made her think of Solas and his stupid veil, and she’d cried as soon as Sera left the room.

She’d woken up on her children’s second day of life feeling weak, and had collapsed on the floor almost as soon as she’d stood up. Cole had rushed over from his spot by the bassinet, and helped her back up. “You’re too hot.” He said. “You need a healer.”

He’d gotten Dorian first. “You’re burning up, Sahira,” there was no humor in his voice as he felt her face. 

“I feel like I’ve just stepped on an ice glyph,” she mumbled, huddled under the thick duvet on her bed. 

“I’ve sent for a healer and the midwife, they should be here soon.” He assured. Sahira didn’t need healer to tell her what is was. While she herself had never encountered it, she was familiar with childbed fever. Her clan had made offerings to Sylaise to protect expectant and new mothers from it. In her fever addled brain, she blamed her illness on having skipped the tradition. 

_ ‘The Creators are punishing me _.’ Was her last coherent thought.

*******

Sahira hadn’t dreamed in months. She’d religiously taken the dreamless sleep potion since her fight with Solas, desperate not to see him again while she was pregnant. Her dreams now reminded her of when she’d been in her cups after the Exalted Council, disjointed and ever changing, never settling on a solid landscape. She saw dragons and ghasts, flashes of Skyhold and the Free Marches, her clan and her friends. She saw her children, older now but when she called them they didn’t recognize her. 

Sahira is unsure how long she was lost in her fever dreams, it was hard to tell in the Fade, but finally they stopped. She was in front of a house in a swamp, smoke wafting up from the chimney. It wasn’t her little house in some forgotten wood, but she felt safe enough to approach the door and walked in.

“Hello, girl,” Mythal - Flemeth? She was unsure of how to refer to her - was sat by the fire in the home. 

“Hello,” Sahira didn’t know how to approach her. The Vir’abelasan’s voices rose up demanding she bow, that she grovel at the Goddess' feet, but something about that felt wrong. Instead Sahira sat across from her. “Are you really here or is this more fever dream?”

“Is anyone really anywhere?” Mythal-Flemeth laughed. “But yes, I am as real as you.”

“Am I dead?”

“Almost.” Sahira nodded. It shouldn’t shock her. Women did not often recover from a childbed fever, at least as she understood it. “But, I can help with that.”

“What will it cost?” Sahira was familiar with Mythal’s legends, and just as familiar with those of Asha’bellanar and Flemeth as well. Her help came with a cost.

"You can consider this a gift,” Sahira’s skepticism must have shown on her face. “You are a useful piece on the board. I wish to keep you in play.”

“So I’m a pawn?” 

Mythal laughed. “I’d call you at least a Mage, maybe even a Knight.” 

“If I’m just a piece in a game, then you must have some expected move of me?” Sahira asked.

“In the Silent Plains, you will find a ruin. In that ruin, a foci. Get it before Fen’harel’s agents and take it to my daughter, Morrigan.”

“Morrigan disappeared off the map years ago.”

“Start here.” Mythal motioned around the room. “The Korcari Wilds, south of Ostagar. The Hero of Ferelden should be with her, he might be easier to find.” Mythal looked out the window just past Sahira’s shoulders. Sahira followed her gaze. The sun was setting, but Sahira would have sworn it was midday when she entered the home. Normally she’d write that off as the nature of the fade, but she felt it was rather more ominous in her current situation. “Our time is drawing short. Remember what I said, girl.” Mythal stood, towering over Sahira in her seat.

“Could you give me some more details? I’ve found twenty possible ruins-” Mythal reached out, and cupped Sahira’s face. The touch felt maternal and warm, spreading from her cheek to her toes and the ends of the phantom fingers of her left arm. It was too hot then, it felt like she was burning alive. She let out a pained shriek.

*******

Sahira awoke to screaming; her own, Sera’s, Dorian’s, her children’s. The pain from her dream subsided, but Dorian and Sera were still staring as if she’d grown a second head. Cole had not screamed, but he was staring at her with saucer wide eyes and looking paler than normal. “What’s wrong?” Cole is the one who answers her. 

“You were dead.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ir abelas - I'm sorry  
Aneth ara - A common Dalish greeting, literally "my safe place"  
Fen'an - wolf heart  
Eolas - knowledge


	3. Part III

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a beast. It's about 30 pages all on it's own, and I feel like it's mostly putting things into place for later chapters. Plus it was my first attempts at writing Solas POVs. I've gone back and forth between keeping this just as Sahira's POV, but I feel Solas' ultimately brings some necessary elements to the story.

It took a long time before anyone found words again. Cole was by the bassinet, calming the babies down while Sera and Dorian stared at Sahira. “Mythal.” 

“Mythal?” Dorian repeated, raising an eyebrow. “Is that an explanation or an exclamation?” 

“Both? She...she came to my dreams while I was...dying. Dead?” Sahira had dealt with many incredibly circumstances in her time, but this perhaps was the strangest. “She said it was a gift.”

“Fuckin’ doubt that.” Sera declared skeptically.

“You’re certainly right,” Sahira agreed. Mythal had motives, but she had been honest about them it seemed. She had requested Sahira to do as she asked, when they both knew she could have just ordered it. That must count towards her trustworthiness a bit, but Sahira was willing to admit she _ wanted _ to trust Mythal. Part of her wanted just one of her gods to be like in the legends. And even Solas had seemed to think highly of Mythal, which counted for something the way he spoke of the other Evanuris. 

“Did you agree to anything?” Dorian asked. Sahira shook her head. “Well good, then at least you didn’t make some kind of demonic deal with her.” Sahira decided it was a moot point to say she had been bound to Mythal for years, so a deal wouldn’t be needed. 

“Send word to Bull, tell him I need him and the Chargers to meet us in the Silent Plains as soon as they can.”

“Shouldn’t ya like, rest? You just made two people and _ died _.” Sera piped up.

“I don’t think I have time to rest,” Sahira reminded. “Plus, I just got healed by a god. I think I’m as field ready as I’ll ever be.”

*******

Sahira had asked Cole to move the twins’ bassinet closer to her bed before everyone had finally left her the previous evening. It allowed her to care for the twins during the night on her own. She could use her one arm and leaned down close to the bassinet to hold one of them to her shoulder securely to pick them up, and a pillow offered enough support to feed them. She had been doing her best before she’d fallen ill to do it all, but it had been difficult with her body in the state it was in. Now that she was fully healed, it was proving a lot easier. Cole still appeared beside her if they cried, but after the fourth time that night that she had successfully fed them without his help he had stopped. She knew he’d come if he was needed, Cole had always been good about that.

She currently had Fen’an on a pillow on her lap, making happy full noises after her recent feeding. She looked down at her, gently running a finger over her cheek. What kind of life could she offer them? Children needed stability, especially at such a young age. She wanted to provide that, but she wasn't sure if she could. She had grown up traveling the Free Marches so it wasn't the consistency of location that concerned her, but the consistency of herself and those around her. She wanted to keep them with her wherever she went, but how could she guarantee their safety that way? 

She didn't think Solas would harm children in his quest, he didn't seem to want to cause any harm he deemed unnecessary at all, but Sahira couldn't say the same of his agents. She knew she was expecting the worst of people, but after so long as the Inquisitor she knew there were people out there that would harm her children without a second thought just to crush her. She wasn't sure if they were better protected hidden away in one place with a nursemaid and guards, or by her side and with her companions. She wasn't sure if they could afford to handle the logistics of finding someone she trusted enough to leave them with as is, and she couldn't spare leaving Cole or Sera or Dorian with them. 

_ 'I shouldn't have disbanded the Inquisition.' _ But as soon as the thought passed, she knew it was wrong. Sure she would have more man power if she'd allowed the Inquisition to remain under Leliana's control, but that didn't mean she could trust those men. If she'd still really been the Inquisitor it's likely the whole world - including Solas and both of their enemies - would know about her children. They'd be in even more danger.

Sahira gently settled Fen'an in the bassinet beside her brother then stood. She made sure they were secure and dozing before making her way to the study downstairs. Dorian had the old map out along with a recent one, marking the different locations. "I've got a short list of wet nurses. I know you'd probably prefer an elf but given the circumstances…"

"Too much risk," Sahira agreed. "Are any of them willing to travel to The Silent Plains?" Dorian looked up with an eyebrow cocked

"You intend to take newborns with us?"

"I think it would be best they're kept near. There's not really an ideal situation for where they should be right now - if they're with us then at least it's easier for us to protect them ourselves." Sahira explained as she sat down across from him. "Bull is meeting us with the Chargers, and I'd rather leave the twins behind in camp with some of them than leave them all the way back in Minrathous at the mercy of both my enemies and yours. And I'll admit, I don't want to part with them. I'm their mother."

Dorian nodded. "Well I'm hardly the person to tell someone how to parent. I'll send a messenger to the wet nurses, explain the travel and tell them to come tomorrow for you to make your final choice."

"Thank you, Dorian." She reached out and placed her hand on his. "I truly appreciate everything you've done for us."

*******

It had been some time since Solas had seen Cole. He knew that the spirit was with Sahira for the most part, but it wasn’t in his nature to choose between the two of them. Solas could appreciate that, and while he could prove a valuable source of information on the intricacies of Sahira’s movement, Solas felt it would be too against Cole’s nature to use him in such a way. 

Today Cole seemed conflicted, pacing in front of Solas’ desk where he had appeared moments earlier. He would pause every few steps and open his mouth as if to speak, then stop. Solas sighed, pushing away the yellowed old papers before him and watched him for a few more minutes before speaking. “Is there something you need to say, Cole?” 

“Yes.”

“Then speak freely.”

“I’m not sure if I’m supposed to tell you anymore,” Cole stopped his pacing to stand directly in front of Solas, looking down at him. “Sahira told me to tell you if something happened to her,and something _ did _ happen to her-”

“What happened? Is she well?” Solas tried to keep his voice even, but his heart accelerated at the thought that Sahira was hurt or ill and their last interactions had been in anger.

“She is now,” Cole assured. “I don’t know if I can tell you what happened. It’s part of what I was only supposed to if something bad happened and she couldn’t.” 

Solas would be lying if he said he didn’t want to push Cole, but whatever was wrong Sahira clearly didn’t wish him to know and he trusted she had her reasons. Afterall, despite their personal feelings for each other, they are leaders on different sides of a conflict. A conflict that Solas knew would turn to war one day, as much as he dreaded when he’d meet his vhenan on the opposite side of the battlefield. Some days the thought that at least she was a worthy opponent proved a small comfort, others it just made the inevitable even worse. 

“I don’t want information about the Inquisition from you, Cole,” Solas said. “You aren’t one of my agents, you are my friend and I wouldn’t ask something so against your nature of you.”

Cole let out a frustrated sigh. “It's about _ Sahira _, not the Inquisition! I didn’t think she should have kept it secret to begin with, but she will not listen to me any more than you do.”

“What am I not listening to you about? I thought you agreed the veil should come down.”

“I don’t think the veil should come down, but I know that it will with or without you.” Cole went back to his pacing. “But you can never bring back once was, it will never be the same. And the hurt your attempts will bring is not worth an imitation. Sahira thinks that the world is fine as it is and that she can prevent the inevitable, but you’re both _ wrong _.” 

Solas didn’t particularly want to have this debate with Cole. “Have you told Sahira you think she’s wrong?”

“Not about the veil, but about the other thing. That has been...more important.” The more Cole spoke the less he made sense. Solas wondered if he’d spent too much time with Sera. He knew she’d gone with Sahira to Minarathous, his agents had had a few run-ins with her and her Red Jennys. If it weren’t proving such a barrier to his plans in the city, he’d be almost proud of how far she had come, though he knows Sera wouldn’t appreciate nor care about the sentiment. 

“Sahira and I are not speaking right now but I don’t see what she could find more important than stopping me at present.” Solas pointed out. Cole looked down at him sadly.

“She does all she can to keep herself from the Fade,” he said quietly. “Most days she can almost convince herself she doesn’t miss it.” It made Solas’ heart hurt to think she was denying herself something she loved so much because of him. Sahira had always taken such joy in the fade, and he had taken that joy. “She just wants to be enough for you, but she knows she isn’t and cannot bear the pain anymore.”

“She is enough.” Solas isn’t sure who he was saying it for; himself or Cole.

“No, she isn’t. We would not be here otherwise.” A tense silence fell between them. “What good is Elvhanen if you will be alone?” Solas doesn’t bother with a response to that. He will be alone in Elvhenan, should he survive to see it restored, but his own selfish desires aren’t worth allowing what remained of his people to suffer.

“Cole, I don’t know what you wish to accomplish here.”

“She takes a potion to keep her from the fade. I can hide it, or replace it and you can speak to her.”

“What will that accomplish?” 

“Perhaps she will tell you herself now, but even if she doesn’t, do you not want to see her at least?”

Solas shook his head, “It will just cause more pain than necessary. I’ve hurt her enough with my desire to see her.” 

“Then see her to apologize! Sahira was _ dead _ and if she had stayed that way-” Cole stopped mid-sentence, clearly having said too much. The words rang in Solas’ head. Sahira had been dead? He should be concerned more with the how and the why but all he could think about is Sahira being _ dead _ and how they had spent their last time together arguing. He knew her life was short and fleeting compared to his own, and that his own actions would likely lead to her end, but he never thought that it could be so soon. 

“Do _ not _ hide her potion,” He ordered quietly, voice shaking despite his best efforts. “But if she doesn’t take it, tell me.” Cole was gone as soon as he was done speaking. It was for the best. Solas had too many questions, and if Cole had remained he would have done everything in his power to get him to answer them.

*******

The wet nurse Sahira ended choosing was a woman named Claudia who was around her own age. She had just exited the service of a magister after their child was weaned. She had kind eyes and a soft voice when she spoke to the twins. She didn't speak much beyond that, merely to ask Sahira a question or two about what she wanted. She was struggling with their names, but she tried. Sahira wished she had the option to at least have an elven nurse who could speak their language, but beyond how difficult that would have been in Tevinter, there was the risk of that allowing them to be infiltrated by one of Solas' agents.

She knew he'd find out eventually. She had entertained the idea that he wouldn't find out unless she told him, but she knew that was unlikely. They were easy enough to hide away right now, but it wouldn't be long before they were out of swaddling clothes and toddling around. And honestly, she didn't _ want _ him to find out through some intelligence briefing. She didn't know how or when she would tell him, but she knew she must. She still feared his rejection of them, but he had a right to make that choice for himself.

The cart hit a bump and Eolas let out a grumpy little sound, shaking Sahira from her thoughts. He was secured to her chest in a sling, just like mothers in her clan used to carry their children during travel. "Its okay, da'len," she hushed gently. Claudia sat across from her, Fen'an held to her chest and sleeping like a rock. "It's just a little bump in the road." He sniffled a bit, but was clearly calmed by her voice.

It had been a month since their birth, and already Sahira was starting to see parts of their personality. Eolas seemed the more easily frazzled of the two, quickly upset over the slightest noise or change in his surroundings. It made Sahira feel bad to drag him along with her, but she felt it was best. She _ hoped _ it was best. Fen'an on the other hand? She was an easy baby. Even Claudia said she was the easiest child she had cared for. She mostly cried when she was hungry and seemed able to fall asleep anywhere. Sahira was grateful for that. 

"I heard Master Pavus say the friend of yours we are meeting is a qunari?" Claudia sounded nervous. Sahira couldn't blame her. She would be horrified of the Qunari too if she'd been raised in Tevinter.

"The Iron Bull is Tal-Vashoth," Sahira explained. "He left the Qun. Runs a mercenary company. Don't worry, he's very friendly." Claudia looked skeptical. "His second in command is from Tevinter." She added, hoping it eased her nerves. "Plus he'll be with me most of the time.” 

It took several more hours to reach camp. The Iron Bull had beaten them there by half a day, and already had set up. Sahira was relieved. All she wanted was to collapse in her cot. She gingerly climbed out of the cart, Claudia following behind. The nursemaid took Eolas from her and settled him into a cushioned basket. “Stay here, I’ll find out which tent we’re in.” Sahira told Claudia before walking off to find Iron Bull.

He was around the fire with Dorian and Krem. “Boss! Good to see ya.” He looked her over. “Heard you had a busy few months.” 

“That’s an understatement.” Sahira laughed. “Which one is mine?” 

Krem motioned to one towards the left of the tent. “You should get your wet nurse and go in. Brought a surprise for you.” 

“A surprise? What is it?”

“That’s not how surprises work.”

Dorian patted her shoulder as he walked past. “Go on, I’ll get Claudia.” Sahira nodded and walked into her tent. 

“Creators, you had me worried sick!” She was nearly knocked over as Aniela throw her arms around her. 

“Not the first time you’ve said that to me.” Sahira tried to joke as Aniela held her at arm’s length. Cullen was standing behind her. “Hello, Cullen. Why are both of you here?” 

“What do you mean? You haven’t written me for months. And then Bull stopped in on his way here and told us you'd found the time to write him." Aniela said indignantly. "We decided we'd come along."

Sahira looked anywhere but Aniela. There wasn't much avoiding telling her now, Dorian would walk in any minute with Claudia. If she found out he knew The Iron Bull was going to spring this on her and didn't warn her, she was going to be upset. She wasn't upset to see her sister, but she would have liked some time to think about what she would say, or to send one of the many scrapped letters ahead explaining everything.

"I need you to...accept I make some questionable choices that led me to what I'm about to tell you." She said slowly.

"That sounds ominous," Cullen said suspiciously.

"It's not _ really _ bad," Sahira assured, partially for herself. "I was pregnant. I didn't know how to tell you. I wrote so many letters and they all felt wrong." Aniela stared at her. Cullen was watching his wife, trying to gauge her reaction before showing his own.

“You were all alone,” Aniela said quietly. “You didn’t need to be alone.”

Sahira could feel tears prickling in her eyes. “I...I wasn’t alone. I had Dorian, Sera, and Cole.”

“They aren’t your kin, we are. Whatever choices you made, I would have come.” 

“Aniela’s right, Sahira.” Cullen agreed. “It was unwise to sleep with the enemy, but we would have come.” That is what broke the floodgates, and all Sahira could do was cry. She had agonized over Aniela’s reaction, all but made the decision for her, but here both she and Cullen accepting what Sahira had done and only wishing she had told them sooner. 

Aniela pulled her into another hug, and let her sob on her shoulder under the leather of her armor was slick. She had cried over so many little things during her pregnancy, but it was in this moment she realized those tears weren’t about those incidents. 

Dorian cleared his throat, awkwardly trying not to look at Sahira and Aniela’s moment. Claudia stood beside him, Fen’an still cradled in the sling and Eolas in his carrying basket. “Sorry to interrupt.” 

Sahira wiped her eyes on her sleeve, and smiled at him. “No, no it’s okay. Claudia, will you bring the twins here? They need to meet their Aunt and Uncle.”

*******

Sahira’s tent received a visit from every member of the Chargers over the course of the afternoon and evening to ooh and aww over the twins. Cullen had left with The Iron Bull after his visit to inspect the camp’s defenses, but Aniela stayed until the wee hours after both the twins and Claudia had fallen asleep. They spoke of everything, the good and the bad. Sahira cried again when she spoke of Solas and how much she _ wished _ she could not love him after everything. Aniela cried when she spoke of Cullen’s family, how they were nice and welcoming yet she still felt like an outsider. They laughed over memories of their childhood, and planned how to raise the twins with their culture even without their clan.

Sahira isn’t sure how long she’s asleep before she realized that she must have dozed off while they spoke. She was in the Starkhaven Market, only the street and it’s stalls seemed to extend forever in either direction. Deshanna had often sent her and Aniela into the city when they passed near to trade their goods for supplies. Quality Dalish arms and crafts could get them a cart worth of preserved foods and spirits. 

The stall she was at was covered in toys. Little dolls and stick horses, rattles and figurines of knights and heroes, all meticulously crafted. Sahira picked up one of the figurines and turned it over in her hand. It was an elf, clad in Dalish armor with Elgar’nan’s vallaslin painstakingly painted on its face; The Hero of Ferelden. He was the father of Morrigan’s son, Keiran. The boy had spoken of him wistfully when Sahira had visited the gardens. Sahira had not known him, but she had known his clan for a brief time. 

The next one she picked up was Hawke, a red slash across her nose and little blue stones for eyes. Hawke had had such a good nature for all she had endured, she was a good person and Sahira had left her to die in the fade. She quickly set that one down, trying not to dwell on the pit of guilt forming in her stomach. 

“There isn’t one of you.” And there it was, the voice she had both dreaded hearing and longed for for months. 

“Would that not be a tad egotistical? Particularly in my own dream.”

“Your deeds are more than comparable.” Solas picked up one of the figurines, and Sahira watched as it morphed to resemble her. A small green stone was imbedded in the figure’s left hand and a staff was carved into it’s right, with Mythal’s vallaslin snaking over it’s forehead and nose. He laid it back on the table with the others once the transformation was complete, there for the faceless dream shoppers to peruse. She stared at her dollself a moment, then took a deep breath and looked up at him.

“Are you well?” she could tell by looking at him that he wasn’t, even here in the fade. He looked tired.

“I could ask you the same,” He countered. “It has been sometime, vhenan.” The pet name is said tentatively, like he was testing if she would still accept even that small amount of affection from him. 

“I have been very busy.” She supposed that wasn’t even really a lie. They’d only made a little headway in Minrathous, but she hoped the information they’d recovered would prove useful tomorrow. She reached out, and took his hand in hers. It felt good to touch him, even if it was just a dream. “I’m sorry for yelling the last time, ma’sal’shiral. I meant it, but I am sorry for yelling.”

“You have every right to be angry,” he assured. “You were right.”

“But that doesn’t change anything,” She was proud of only sounding a little bitter. She released his hand. He sighed, and looked away from her.

“I shouldn’t have come.” He didn’t make any move to leave.

“Probably not, but I’m happy you did.” She reached up, using her hand to turn his face to look at her. “You never know...when the last time we will speak is, and I am happy that fight was not it.” She placed a chaste kiss on his lips, then pressed their foreheads together. They are quiet for a few moments. “Help me understand, please. Help me understand why this is worth so much to you.”

Solas pulled away, leaving a few inches between them. “It was my doing. I doomed the Elvhen, and I must fix it.”

“From my understanding the Elvhen doomed themselves,” Sahira pointed out. “The Evanuris fought amongst each other, they put themselves before their people and Elvhenan suffered for it. You might have put the nail in the coffin, my love, but the corpse was already inside. Now you wish to be a mortaliasi.” 

“What would you be willing to do to give the Dalish their home back?” Sahira is quiet for a moment as she thought.

“I would draw the line at destroying Orlais,” she declared. “Perhaps.I’d kill the Empress, but I wouldn’t want the common folk to suffer.”

“Would they not suffer in the aftermath of the Empress’ death?” Solas said. “Would it not be kinder to end Orlais quickly, rather than plunge them back into civil war?”

“Will the veil coming down actually end the world?” she had always felt that didn’t add up. Elves, humans and dwarves had all lived and seemingly thrived before the Veil, and while the elves lost much it seemed dwarves and humans were unaffected. 

“There will be destruction, but it will not kill all modern life if that is what you mean,” Solas assured. “The chaos after the fall will be what kills most. Some will be too overcome by new found magic, countries will likely begin fighting over resources...and then there are the Evanuris. If I cannot defeat them, they will likely scorch the earth. Elgar’nan has always encouraged his children to embrace their baser instincts.” 

“You can’t take them all, that’s really unrealistic, Solas,” she declared.

“They will be weak from their imprisonment.” 

“That is still 7 against 1,” Sahira reminded. “Do you intent to allow all the elves you’ve amassed to be canon fodder while you try and get the final kill?”

“Is that any different from what you did at Adamant?”

“I did everything in my power to prevent my men from dying, and it was a fight I knew I could win. You will have them die in a fight you will in all likelihood lose.” Sahira crossed her arms over her chest, rather upset at the comparison. “What does Mythal think of this foolish plan?” 

Solas could not look at her. “Mythal is dead. I killed her.” His words were barely audible, his voice cracking as he confessed. Sahira stared at him, shocked. She had just seen Mythal, she had saved her life. How could she be dead? How could Solas do it? 

“Why? How does that make you any better than the Evanuris?” She demanded. 

“She knew it was a necessary sacrifice...if there was another way-”

“When?” 

“After I left the Inquisition.” It was fortunate he could not meet her gaze or her face would have given away what she knew. She doesn't know why or how, but Mythal was not dead and had chosen to reveal that to her.

*******

“Are we really going to go to all of those, boss?” The Iron Bull is looking over the map. A marker had been placed where their camp was set up. 

“Just until we find the right one,” Sahira declared. 

“How should we do this? Start with the ones closest to camp, or do you have sites you want to start with?” Krem asked. Sahira walked over to the map, leaving Aniela sitting on her cot with Fen’an. 

“I want to start here,” Sahira pointed to an old school of magic. It was half a day’s walk from camp. They’d pass by several abandoned sites on the map on the way, but most were small towns that likely would not hold what they needed. “From Dorian and Maevaris’ research, this site is one of the oldest on the map. It dates back at least 500 years before the first blight, perhaps even longer given the sparsity of the records.” She gave them all a playful little smirk, “Plus, I have a good feeling about it.” 

“Those magic elfy voices in your head say something?” Sera asked.

“Not yet, but perhaps as we explore I can get some direction from the Vir’Abelasan.” Mythal had said there was a focus somewhere in the Silent Plains. If Mythal knew of it, then it was likely the Vir’Abelasan did as well. It had helped her when she’d been in Fen’harel’s sanctuary, so hopefully it would do the same now. “To be safe we’ll split up. Krem, you and the rest of the chargers will explore the ruins we pass by. Be alert for both darkspawn and Fen’harel’s agents. Bull, Dorian, Sera, and I will go ahead to the main site. Aniela, Cullen and Cole will stay to guard the camps.”

“We’re gonna have some good time with isa’ma’lin,” Aniela cooed, placing some kisses on Fen’an’s cheek. Sahira smiled at the scene. She had woken up in a rather defeated mood after her conversation with Solas, but Cullen and Aniela had been there almost as soon as she’d gotten dressed to break fast with her and the twins. Seeing the two dotting over the babes had lighten her spirits enough to put on her Inquisitor Face.

“We will likely not make it back to camp until late in the night, or perhaps in the morning.” Sahira said, “So everyone make sure you’ve packed rations and a bed roll. We’ll leave in half an hour.” 

“What will you do after you find the focus?” asked Cullen, joining her beside the table as everyone else left to prepare. 

“I need to find Morrigan. I’ve heard the best place to start would be the Korcari Wilds,” Sahira explained. 

“What about the twins?” Sahira looked up at him.

“What do you mean?” 

“Well...it can’t be good for them right? Going all around Thedas with you, especially to some place like the Korcari Wilds. I’m _ from _ southern Ferelden, Sahira. The Chasind have barely returned since the blight.”

“I don’t see much of a choice, Cullen,” Sahira declared. “It’s that or leave them alone with strangers.”

“Aniela and I aren’t strangers.” Sahira saw red for a moment.

“You want to take my children way, Cullen? I thought you’d left the templar life behind,” she spat at him.

“I don’t want to take them, Sahira, I’d rather you come to south reach with us, but you’re not going to do that, are you?” 

“Of course not, I have too much to do.” 

“How is it fair to your infants that you drag them from place to place? Children need stability, Sahira.” 

“Aniela and I were raised being ‘dragged from place to place’ and we turned out just fine!” 

“You know it was different, Sahira,” Aniela spoke up. “We had our home - our aravel - we had our clan. And there is a difference between traveling between Wycome and Starkhaven and going from Minrathous to Fereldan and then who knows where.” Sahira stared at her sister in shock, biting down the _ flat ear _ on her tongue. Part of her was unbelievable hurt that Cullen and Aniela would even suggest separating her from her children, but the rational part of her knew they weren’t wrong. The only reason she’d brought them to the Silent Plains is because she had no one she could entrust their care to. Sending them to South Reach was more practical then dragging them and poor Claudia all around Thedas, but she felt tears swelling just thinking about being away from them. They were the most important thing in the world to her, a reminder of everything good about Solas and their love. They might be her only piece of Solas when this was all done.

“Please leave. I need to get ready to leave.” She ordered. She refused to meet their eyes as Aniela settled Fen’an in the bassinet and they left. 

*******

They reached the ruins of what was an early Tevinter circle a few hours into the afternoon. It was a shockingly easy trek, a few darkspawn and one very angry ghast was all they’d encountered. Nothing her companions couldn’t handle, which was good as Sahira would be lying if she said she felt confident in her combat abilities. She should have trained with her new staff more, but between her pregnancy and her own pride she had thought it unnecessary. A wise move would be to return to camp, instead of holding Iron Bull, Dorian and Sera back, but once again her pride kept her from following through on the thought. 

“This place doesn’t look like it could have anything left,” declared Bull, looking up at the half of a tower that stood before them. One side had completely lost it’s wall, allowing sand to pile inside the tower up into the third floor. There were remnants of other buildings, half buried in the sand around the tower, but none looked like the could still hold any ancient secrets. 

“It’s still worth looking around. We’ve found ancient artifacts in less likely places,” Sahira said with a sigh. 

“Should’a brought shovels,” Sera grumbled, adjusting the weight of her quiver.

“I was prepared for Darkspawn, but not this much sand.” Dorian sighed. “I’ll be shaking it out of my robes for weeks.” 

“Start looking for...anything Elvehan looking. If we can’t find anything, we’ll head back to camp and start with another ruin tomorrow,” Sahira ordered. “Split up but stay near enough to hear each other.” 

“I ain’t splitting up. I’ll stick with you,” Sera declared, following Sahira as she walked away. “Splittin’ up is how we become darkspawn food.” 

“My understanding is Darkspawn tend to take women captive,” Sahira said, kneeling down to look at the foundation of the tower. 

“Because _ that’s _ a better thought,” Sera leaned over her shoulder. “Ya really think there’s something here?”

Sahira nodded. She ran her hand along the bottom of the foundation, feeling where the sand had piled against the rock. “If I’m right, whatever here is likely under the tower. Most circles store their artifacts in a basement.” 

“If this tower had some magic elf-things like Cory-phe-shit’s orb, wouldn’t it have left with all the Tevinter asses who lived here?”

“I believe most magisters would still choose their lives over their stolen treasures. And those who didn’t…well, they became darkspawn food.” Sahira stood up to move a few feet further down the tower. She started running her hand along the base again, only this time she found the top of an opening just past the sand. The Vir’Abelasan swelled to life when her fingers brushed it. _ Tamahn, tamahn. There, there. _ the voices chanted, growing so loud as to drown out whatever Sera was saying. “Stand back, I found something.” 

“Wow already? Guess those magic voices are good for somethin’.” They stepped back several feet, and Sahira used a strong blast of wind magic to blow the sand away. When the dust settled, there was now a staircase descending deep into the ground, leading up to a doorway almost two stories high. The stone work was significantly different from the tower above, built from smooth marble with tile mosaics of the sun and moon creating an archway around the door. Carved into the door was a half-man, half-dragon that made Sahira think of the statues of Mythal in her temple. _ Elgar’nan _. She knew it without the Vir’Abelasan telling her.

“Well, that was efficient,” Dorian and The Iron Bull had not gotten far from them in their own search.

“You have a real knack for finding things, boss,” Iron Bull clapped Sahira on her shoulder. “Should I break the door?”

“Let’s save that for a last resort, Bull,” Sahira said as she began down the stairs. As she reached the bottom, the eyes of Elgar’nan lit up and an astral guard appeared before.

It boomed, staring down at her in elven with empty eyes. She picked out a few words, _ sanctuary _ and _ Elgar’nan _. The Vir’abelasan jumped at the question, a thousand different answers following into her head. Sahira zeroed in on the loudest, one sung at her by countless voices. Sahira knelt down, brushing away the sand to reveal the smooth stone beneath. She pulled a knife, placing it between her teeth so she could run her finger along it to slice it, and used the blood to draw the shape of the solium at the feet of the astral guardian. She could hear Iron Bull and Sera freaking out at the top of the staircase.

“Andaran Atish’an.” The guardian was gone. Sahira straightened up as the statue split in half, the opening of the door forming between the two halves. 

“The ancient elves sure did like secret passwords,” Dorian observed as he walked down the stairs behind her.

“That was blood magic!” yelled Sera. “I ain’t going in there.”

“I’m with Sera on this, boss, that seems like a bad idea.” 

“It was a little bit of her own blood, that's barely even blood magic, don’t be babies,” Dorian chided. “It’s not like we sacrificed a slave or something.” 

“Yeah let’s let the _ magister _ decide what’s acceptable blood magic.” Sahira sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose between her thumb and uncut finger.

“Bull, Sera, you can stand guard outside if you’re uncomfortable. Dorian and I will look inside.” Dorian and Sahira barely made it through the doorway before she heard Bull mutter something in qunlat and followed behind. Sera holds out her resolve a little longer, but is still bounding down the steps before Sahira and Dorian reach the first veil fire.

“This is a bad idea. We’re gonna have to fight somethin’ awful here,” Sera grumbled. 

“Then you can shot an arrow at it,” Sahira assured. She lit the sconce, and the antechamber came to life with green light bouncing off more tile mosaics. The room was relatively narrow, with the door on one end, two archways on either side and then a wall on the far end. The one full wall had a mosaic of two elves, sitting on thrones. The two walls with archways had two more mosaic portraits on either side of the openings. The mosaics, though a little less grand, made Sahira think of the temple of Mythal.

Sahira lit a touch from the fire and began walking further into the sanctuary. “I wonder what purpose this place served? It’s definitely no temple, but it’s rather ornate for a basement,” Dorian pondered as the walked down another set of stairs.

“I think it’s like that fortress in Orlais, a sanctuary or something” Sahira explained. “Perhaps such places were common for the Evanuris? A place for their most trusted.”

“Why’s it always elf gods?” 

“It's not always, just most of the time,” Sahira corrected. “Though, it has crossed my mind how many things throughout myth and legend could just be the Evanuris by another name. Like the Old Gods, there are seven of them and seven Evanuris when you take out Solas and Mythal...but I doubt any of you want to hear my musings on these things.” They were all good questions for Solas next time she saw him though. Or Mythal.

“Was that like...what dirty talk is like for you and Fuck’harel?” 

“Oh please, what’s that elven curse? May the Dread Wolf take you? I’d be horrified if you didn’t take the opportunity to use that pun, Sahira.” 

"We’re not talking about I did and did not do with Solas right now.”

“I didn’t think it was in question whether or not you let the Dread Wolf take you.” Bull laughed. Sahira let out a frustrated groan as the reach the bottom of the second staircase. She supposed some playful teasing was the least of what she deserved after sleeping with Solas. Her companions could have easily seen it was a massive betrayal and turned on her. In truth she was kind of shocked neither Sera or The Iron Bull had.

The main chamber of the sanctuary was long and tall, lined with the half-dragon statues of Mythal and Elgar’nan and more mosaics along the wall. Theses were of the taming of wild landscapes and building of floating cities all presided over by Elgar’nan. Sahira thought she would find these more emotion provoking if she didn’t know such lost wonders were the work of countless slaves.

In the center of the room was a pedestal, and on it sat an orb just like Corypheus had used. Sahira stopped in her tracks, staring at it until Sera walked into her. “There it is.”

“It’s going to bring this whole place tumbling down on our heads as soon as you pick it up.” Dorian declared.

“Oh for sure it is.” 

“Then perhaps you shemlen should go and let us handle it?” _ Fuck _. They all turned around to face the agents of Fen’harel. There were five of them, two mages and three warriors, clad in similar armor to those of those worn by the guardians at Mythal’s temple.

“No, but if _ you _ turn around now you can keep your lives and tell Fen’harel that we have the orb.” Sahira declared, hoping her voice sounded more confident than she felt, “He knows where to find me if he has any issue with that.” That didn’t work, because it never worked. Instead one of the mages shot a fireball at them. Dorian and Bull dove to the right, using a statue of Mythal for cover. Sera and Sahira went left, Sera rolling to her feet and notching an arrow to fire back.

“Clear the way, I’ll grab the orb, and we all run like hell,” Sahira told her, throwing up a barrier around her and Sera as another spell came hurtling at them. Dorian sent a chain of lightning through the warriors, disabling them long enough for Bull to move in close enough to attack. Sera’s arrow found its mark in one of the mages’ heads. The other mage had started towards the pedestal, but Sahira used a wall of fire to block his path and ran for the orb.

She hesitated for a moment, but her hesitation was quickly ended as a spell missed her head by inches. She grabbed it, and as soon as it had left the pedestal the room began to shake. She turned back to the action as Bull buried his axe in the chest of the remaining warrior, the other two’s bodies at his feet. She started running for the exit, “Let’s go, now!” She ordered, hitting her staff on the ground to throw the remaining mage near her back as chunks of rock began to fall from the roof. As she tried to begin moving again, her staff stayed stuck in the ground. “Shit shit shit,” she growled, trying to pull it from the crack it had become stuck in.

“Sahira, c’mon!” Sera was the closest to her, Dorian and Bull having already started up the stairs before they realized that the two elves weren’t behind them. Sera ran over to her and gave the staff a hard yank, sending them both tumbling to the ground. A piece of the roof fell, and she pushed Sera away. Sahira heard a disturbing _ crack _ as the rock landed but barely processed that it was her own leg. She hissed a spell under her breath to send the rock flying off her leg. They scrambled towards the stairs, Sera mostly dragging her until they reached the exit.

It wasn’t until they were in the light of day, laying in the sand and staring at her own broken bone sticking out of her calf that she felt the pain. And then it all went black.

*******

Solas rubbed his tired eyes, looking away from his documents to give his eyes and brain a break. The papers were old news, something to busy himself while he waited on his men in the Silent Plains to report back.

“They won’t.” Cole said, appearing in front of the desk.

Solas sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. Abelas had assured him his men were capable of searching the plains _ and _ avoiding Sahira. “I assume you did not come to tell me that.” 

“No.” Cole stopped his pacing to stand directly in front of Solas, looking down at him. “You and Sahira make things too complicated. It does not need to be this way. Sahira understood that for awhile but now … she makes things even more complicated. It would be easier if both of you said what you were thinking, did as you wanted, but neither of you will. You aren’t supposed to hurt people you love, Solas.”

“Cole it’s…” He stopped himself. Cole knew it was complicated, that was his very complaint. “It can’t be as simple as you think it should be.” 

“Yes it can. You just won’t let it. Sahira would let it be less complicated if you would too,” Cole insisted. “But that window is closing, Solas. With every passing day she becomes more resolved that this will not end well for both of you.” 

“My people-”

“Sahira is an elf. She is your people. Sera is your people. The Dalish are your people, the elves in the city are your people. They _ hurt _ , they long for freedom, for _ home _ just the same.” 

“There are Dalish and city elves amongst my agents.”

“They are pawns and we both know that, Solas. They will have no place in what you want.” Cole looked sadly at him. “Your actions will hurt more people than you can imagine.” There was a crypticness to the spirit’s warning. Solas could tell there was more on the tip of his tongue, but he held back. He wanted to push, to hear what more Cole had to say but forced that desire down. Cole would tell him what he thought he could without hurting Sahira and Solas would respect that. It's the least he owed both of them. “Sahira is _ hurt _, in so many ways and will be many more ways.”

“What happened?”

“Other than you?” Cole did not mean the words maliciously, but they stung all the same. He was not wrong, though. He had given Corypheus his orb, and that action had irrevocably changed both of their paths. “The pearl of pain that will not shake lose, will not get better, because to lose it is to lose her love for you and that would hurt even more. She won’t say it, she won’t even let herself think it but she _ feels _ it in her bones. If it ends in death then let it end in _ ours _.”

“Cole…” but he found he didn’t truly have anything to say, letting the sentence die between them. He was wrong to have done this to her. He should have kept his distance from the start, but she had so easily found her way into his confidence. She had been kindred spirit, the likes of which he’s unsure he’s ever encountered in his long life. He’d have once put Mythal on that pedestal, but his bond with her paled in comparison to what he felt with Sahira. And all he had ever done was a hurt her, yet still she _ loved _ him. He shouldn’t have let it happen, shouldn’t have let her close enough to love and for her to love him in return.

“That love is worth protecting, Solas. It is one of many things you have to protect in this world.” Cole looked like he wanted to say more, but before he spoke again he was gone, leaving Solas alone with his words.

*******

Sahira had woken up on the wagon on the way to Kirkwall after her injury. Dorian had apparently offered to let her come back to Minrathous and recover in his manor, but Aniela and Cullen had insisted she be taken to Kirkwall instead. It was the first time Sahira had ever visited the manor Varric had gifted her nearly two years before. She had not seen much beyond the master bedroom and the courtyard below her window, though. Her leg was healing well thanks to rest and magic, but it would be another month before she will have regained enough strength in it to even consider leaving Kirkwall. She was going mad with boredom, cycling between being so tired as to sleep for days and being too restless to sleep at all.

“At least I have you two to keep me company,” She murmured, giving the twin’s new bassinet a little rock. Varric had gifted it to her, carved from ornate wood with gold accenting and big enough for both babies to sleep comfortably as they grew. Fen’an let out a soft little laugh. The sound was still new and Sahira’s heart fluttered whenever she heard it, which was frequently. Eolas was less prone to laughter than his sister, though just the sight of Varric would send the babe into a fit of giggles.

She turned back to her book, a battered old thing that was missing half of its pages from decay. Krem and the chargers had found a handful of old texts and tomes while searching the other ruins in the Silent Plains, but only two were in any kind of condition to read. One was a treatise on Dragons in an early form of the common tongue, while the other seemed to be some form of Elvhen-Tevene hybrid language. She and Dorian had managed to translate a few pages together, but they made very little sense. She doubted it was anything useful anyways, but it gave her something to fill the hours.

“Eolas is about to be hungry,” Cole was beside the bassinet when she looked up. Eolas made a happy coo, reaching up for Cole. The spirit leaned down and picked him up, cradling him close to his chest.

“Thank you, Cole. I’m sure Claudia is grateful to get the rest when you’re around,” Sahira declared. She marked her page with a scrap of paper and set the book aside. She adjusted her shirt and position before taking her son from Cole. It took him a moment to latch but he was quickly suckling away. 

“Have you spoken to Solas?” 

"Not since we arrived in Kirkwall.” It had been a quick conversation at that, an _ ‘are you well?’ _ to which she had lied and said she was fine. She wasn’t shocked he had pulled back communication, she had killed his agents and taken possession of the orb. She suspected it had wounded his pride, or he feared giving way whatever his next move was. Likely both. 

“Why not?”

“Communication is a two way street, Cole.” One that she and Solas seemed to prove at every turn they were incredibly bad at. “Plus, I don’t know how to speak to him unless he comes to me first.”

“The same way he speaks to you.

“I’m not particularly skilled at fade walking, Cole.” Solas had taught her some of what he knew in the respect, but she remembered all too vividly the warnings about her abilities she’d been given as a child. She was only the second dreamer to survive childhood since the time of the Dales, the other a city born boy Clan Sabrae had taken in a few years before her own gifts as a dreamer had begun to manifest. She had met him once, when Keeper Deshanna had taken her to see Keeper Marethari. He had seemed so haunted by the fade in a way she had never been, but the threat of becoming an abomination or tranquil had scared her from seeing what she was truly capable of. Solas had shown her a little during their relationship, how to explore memories and shape her own dreams but she had never asked how to walk outside her dreams within the fade. She had considered it a few times, but then she remembered the emotionless eyes of the tranquil and her keeper’s warnings. 

“Cullen and Aniela want to take them.” Sahira’s heart skipped a beat. Anytime Sahira brought up her plans for after she was healed, they asked if she had thought on their offer. It had lead to more than a few arguments between her and her sister. Sahira knew the offer came from a place of wanting to help, but Sahira wanted to smite them both with a fireball every time it came up. 

They were right, though. Dorian had returned to Minrathous as it became more and more apparent the Qunari would be attacking the mainland, and The Iron Bull and the Chargers had left Kirkwall almost as soon as they arrived - even Tal-Vashoth made the citizens uncomfortable after their history with the Qunari. Varric couldn’t leave the city to come with her, and Sera wasn’t interested in hunting down Morrigan. When she left it would just be her and Cole, and that was not a good situation to drag the twins into. As much as Sahira hated to admit it, they would be safer with Aniela and Cullen, tucked away on Cullen’s family farm amongst the rest of his horde of nieces and nephews.

“If you told Solas-”

“Then he’d know about them and it will hurt even worse when he decides to continue along his din’anshiral regardless of their existence.” She snapped. She felt bad almost instantly for speaking so harshly to Cole. He only wished to help her, but she was tired of her decisions for her children being questioned at every turn. She was their mother and she had to do what she felt was best for them. She _ wanted _ Solas to know about them, but she couldn’t bring herself to tell him. What if he wanted to see them? What if he visited their dreams, let them love him as their father only to abandon them for his quest? She was too scared of letting him hurt her poor innocent children the way he had hurt her.

*******

“Widdle’s here,” is how Sera greets Sahira when she walked into the study. Dagna was standing on a stool, leaned over the table with various mechanical bits and pieces spread out. Sahira noticed her harness and staff laid out on one end.

“How are you, Dagna?” Sahira asked, gently adjusting Eolas in his sling tied around her chest. Cole and Claudia had Fen’an in the sitting room next door. When she had left he was having a very serious conversation with her about how the dog would not hurt her, but the fire _ would _ even if it looked more inviting.

“Oh I’m great, Varric’s been keeping me busy. Lots to improve around Kirkwall,” Dagna smiled widely at her. “I’m happy you’re up and about again! I’ve got something to show you. Sera, hold the baby.” Dagna hopped off her stool, and started rummaging around her bag.

“I guess give ‘em here,” Sera sighed, holding out her arms for Eolas. 

“He’ll fall asleep soon,” Sahira offered, slipping Eolas out of his sling and settling him into Sera’s arms. 

“As long as he doesn’t puke or shit on me.” 

Dagna’s head popped back up over the table and she set down her treasure with a metallic clang. “I’ve been fiddling with the design since the Exalted Council, but I think I’ve finally gotten the fingers figured out well enough to let you try it. Plus after the incident in the silent plains, this is probably better even if it’s not perfect.” she explained as she untied the twine and fabric wrapped around her work.

It was a hand and forearm crafted from dark metal. Sahira was amazed how close it looked to the real thing. If you could somehow stretch skin over it, she thought it would indiscernible from the real thing. “_ Mythal’enaste _, Dagna, this is amazing,” she declared, reaching out with her hand to trace the metal fingers. 

Dagna beamed. “Thank you! The harness-” She motioned to the harness and staff the Dalish craftsmen had given her, “Is great and all, it would do for most any other mage. But this is more practical. You’ll have to use magic to move the joints, but I don’t think it’ll take you long to get the hang of it. And we can work together, make adjustments as you need it.”

“Can I try it on? How does it attach?” 

“It's a similar harness set up,” Dagna explained, holding up the arm to point to it’s parts as she spoke, “This cup bit here will cradle the current end of your arm, then the harness straps will secure it to your upper arm and shoulders to make sure it’s sturdy. If you want to take off your shirt, we can try it on right now.”

Sahira quickly pulled off her shirt and sat down in one of the chairs. Dagna climbed up on her stool and began her task of attaching the arm. It attached quite easily, and when she moved her arm it was shockingly light. She focused her magic on the fingers, slowly flexing them. “Dagna, this is amazing.” She exclaimed, though she couldn’t take her eyes off the slowly flexing fingers. “You’re amazing.”

“Thank you, Inquisitor.” Dagna was positively radiating pride.

“That’s my Widdle!” Sera said proudly from the couch. “You could take up punching things with that, screw magic.” Sahira laughed.

“If I make another one I might try another material - especially with the babies. The metal will be too prone to extreme temperatures,” Dagna said, though it seemed like she was mostly talking to herself as she looked over the arm. Sahira could only imagine how quickly her mind was making notes of improvements. “I’m happy you like it.”

“No, thank you for taking your time to make this,” Sahira insisted. “This is two years of your time, Dagna. It’s amazing.”

*******

As Sahira is walking through the lowtown market, an elf came up beside her. “Fen’harel would like to see you.” She stopped to turn towards the elf, but he’d already begun walking away. Sahira let out a frustrated sigh, but followed him. The thought occurred to her it could be some form of trap, but it would be rather useless one. The Orb was securely locked away in the vault of her manor. A vault she’d cast as many wards as she could think of on, and someone would have to fight through Cullen, Aniela, Sera, and Cole to get to. On her own Sahira wasn’t much of a prize - no anchor, no official standing. The best one could hope for was a ransom from Varric or Leliana and she doubted Solas or any other ancient elves cared much for shemlen gold.

The house the elf leads her to is an average home for that area of Kirkwall, a large metal door built into a building that made up the walls that line the streetways. It wasn’t far from the Hanged Man - which Varric kept insisting he’d take her to if he ever was able to get away from his Viscount duties. The elf motioned for her to go in, but did not follow.

“You know I’ve never been a fan of these clandestine activities,” She reminded upon walking into the home. It was sparsely decorated, with a table and chairs on one end of the room that looked about to fall apart and a bedframe and straw mattress visible through either doorway.

“I do remember your disdain for the Great Game, but it is a necessity for those in our positions.” Sahira’s first thought upon seeing Solas was that he looked tired, the kind of emotional and mental tired one felt in their bones and that no amount of sleep seemed to fix. Sahira knew that kind of tired all too well, Solas probably saw it in her face the same as she saw it in his. She’d forgotten what it felt to be rested.

“Are you well?” she asked as she took a seat in the chair that looked least likely to collapse under her weight.

“I could ask the same of you.” The exchange was becoming like their own personal greeting.

“My leg should eventually be back to normal according to the healers.” Sahira answered. “Now don’t avoid the question.” 

“No,” He sat in the chair closest to her. “But I feel better now that I’ve seen you.” He took her flesh hand in both of his. He didn't comment on the metal one gifted by Dagna, but she saw him looking it over. Sahira couldn’t help but smile at him, feeling as if a weight had been lifted from her own shoulders as well.

“You just wanted to see me? You could have asked, you didn’t have to send one of your agents.”

“I suppose I could have, yes,” He agreed after a pause. He brought her hand to his lips, and placed a kiss over her ring. “Congratulations on your success in the Silent Plains.” 

“I doubt that’s how you feel.”

“Can I not be proud of my bondmate’s accomplishments?” Her heart fluttered a bit at _ bondmate _. “Even if they are at odds with my own goals.” 

“Well perhaps you should share some of your accomplishments so I can feel the same.” He let out a mirthful huff. “It was worth a try.”

“Dorian will not be happy when he arrives back in Minrathous.” he offered after a moment of thought. “The Qunari invasion is not my doing, but the slave revolt that follows will be.” 

“You make my position in Tevinter a difficult one,” Sahira sighed, “I hardly wish to support slavers and building non-slaver allies is rather difficult there.” Dorian and Maevaris’ Lucreni were about the only magisters she could stomach calling her _ allies. _She missed having Josephine and the political power of the Inquisition around to handle such things. 

“Since you managed to retrieve the orb, I’ll admit my own position is mostly freeing the slaves,” Solas assured. Sahira decided to not push her luck by asked what he meant by _ mostly _. She doubts Tevinter is sitting on more foci, they wouldn’t just lock such things away and never use them. Corypheus certainly wouldn’t have needed Solas’ orb if the Venatori had access to them as well. 

“You know I’ll be telling Dorian this, right?” 

“I have no doubt.” He released her hand. “I would like to not discuss such things further. I suspect we could both use a break.”

“You’re the one making such conversations necessary, vhenan,” Sahira reminded. “But as you wish, though I don’t have much else to talk about.” She paused for a moment, before speaking again.They fell into a silence. Sahira can think of a thousand questions about the veil and a world without it, and she _ should _ ask them but she doesn’t wish to use this time to gather information. Perhaps it was a sign she was the wrong person to lead this fight, but she was the one who was doing it. 

“How long until you think you will be missed?”

“As long as I’m back before supper, it will be fine. I’ve been stuck inside for a month now, Aniela will understand if I got caught up enjoying my new freedom,” Sahira assured. “Though I certainly won’t be able to tell her about _ this _ liaison. She never did like you, even before…ya know, finding out you were Fen’harel.” Part of that was of course because Aniela had only found her way to the inquisition _ after _ Solas had ended their relationship. Sahira suspect she’d immediately hate a man who had broken her sister’s heart as well.

“Yes, she made very little effort to hide that. It made it quite awkward when she’d pass through my study to _ ‘deliver reports’ _to the commander.” 

“And, oh did she have a lot of _ reports _ to deliver.” They both laughed. Sahira had only felt anywhere near this level of contentment when with the twins all these months, and even then her thoughts were always plagued by how she’d care for them and protect them, what kind of life she could give them. Before she can spiral about the situation she had created with the twins, and if now was the time to come clean to Solas, he leaned over and pressed his lips against hers. Sahira leaned into the kiss, her arm snaking up around his neck. He pulled her into his lap, and she gave his lip a little nip before pulling back and resting her forehead against his to catch her breath.

“Would it be out of line if I asked if we could _ deliver reports _ , vhenan?” He murmured into the space between their lips. Sahira’s heart skipped several beats. The proposition was certainly appealing. Her life left very little time to think about her own sexual desires and she assumed it was the same for Solas. She definitely _ wanted _ to jump into bed with him without a second thought - he was her bondmate, such things _ should _ be a given - but she had already faced consequences for doing so once. She highly doubted any of her companions could forgive her becoming pregnant by Solas _ again _, particularly so soon.

“I...don’t think that’s wise,” it came out meeker than she had intended. “Given...our circumstances…I mean I _ want _ to, but...” She stumbled over the words, failing to find the right ones before determining it would be best to just put it bluntly. “I don’t have any form of contraception potion and given your current path it would be unwise to risk it.” _ Again _, her mind added. Solas’ cheeks redden. Not much, Sahira suspects that she can only see it because they are so close, but they do and she can see so much of Eolas in his face then. “What would you do if I became with child? Would it change anything?” It felt an almost cowardly way to test the waters but it was also perhaps the only way Sahira could bring herself to reveal the twins’ existence, even if just in hypothetical. 

Solas doesn’t answer right away, pulling back from her just a bit. She can see in his face as he considered the question, turning it over in his head. “You wouldn’t end such a pregnancy?” he finally asked.

“No, we’re_ bonded, I love you _ and...I’ve always wanted children. It would be wiser to but...I wouldn’t.” _ I didn’t _. Though if she found herself in the same situation, she probably wouldn’t have much choice but to end the pregnancy. The future was daunting enough with two children, let alone three. “So, if it were to happen there would be a child.” Or two.

“I…” Solas seemed lost for words, staring down at his own hands as he tried to speak. “I have no idea what I would do, vhenan,” he finally managed to say. It wasn’t the ideal answer, but it certainly wasn’t the worst possible one.

“If the veil weren’t a consideration, would you want children with me?” He’s quiet again as he considered his answer.

“I’ve never thought of having children in any capacity, I’m unsure if it is something I would ever want, but it is something I have never felt a strong desire for.” _ That _was one of the worst possible answers, but at least Sahira knew now. He didn’t comment when she wiped away the tears that had begun to swell in her eyes, and she hoped he didn’t read too much into them.

*******

“Aniela, can we talk?” Aniela looked up from the couch, where she’d been reading a book. Her and Cullen’s mabari looked up at Sahira before returning to it’s nap. 

“Of course,” Aniela bent the corner of the page to mark her spot, a habit Sahira had always hated of her’s but she bit down any complaints as she sat beside her sister.

“I’ve been thinking about...what you and Cullen said about the twins,” Sahira started, wringing her hands together. She had already decided this was the safest course of action for her children before she’d spoken with Solas, but the conversation had only strengthened her resolve. Cole was wrong, her children weren’t a magic fix-it for Solas. It’s likely telling him now would just anger him, not make him change his mind on the state of the world. “Is...South Reach nice? Is it a good place for children?”

“Cullen’s family seems to like it. The weather is good, it’s pretty easy to get fresh meat, far enough away from the King’s road that bandits are a rarity,” Aniela explained. “It’s different from what we know, but not in a bad way. Children can play in the fields without a hahren to watch over them, and there are several good healers in the area for scrapes and illnesses.” 

Sahira nodded, looking down at the stone pattern under her feet. “I don’t doubt you and Cullen will take good care of them. I don’t doubt that they’ll be loved and safe but…”

“They’re your children, and you don’t want to be separated from them. We understand that, Sahira,” Aniela assured. “We don’t want to replace you. We only want to be their aunt and uncle. And as soon as you’re done stopping The Dread Wolf, you can take them back or move in with us or we’ll help you find your own place nearby. And you can come and see us, you’ll need some place to rest after all.”

“I apparently own a vineyard in Orlais, I’ll talk to Varric about making the arrangements to have the money sent to you and Cullen to help with the expenses.” She stood up and left the room before Aniela could respond. She's proud of herself for holding back her tears until she was back in her room.

*******

Solas sighed, pushing away his reports and cradling his face in his hands. It was impulsive to see Sahira, but he hadn’t been far from Kirkwall and he had recieved intel that she was there and after his concerning conversation with Cole he had _ needed _ to see her. To touch her, to hold her, to know that she was still there, still real and _ well _. He wished she wasn’t so determined to waste these peaceful years. It would have been best if he had kept his plans better hidden when he’d revealed the Qunari plot, but he had felt he owed her some form of explanation for all the hurt he’d caused with their relationship.

_ I’ve always wanted children. _

Maybe if he hadn’t revealed himself and his plans, she could have moved on from him, found a nice enough man and had the children she wanted. She would be a good mother, he thought. She wasn’t as outwardly maternal as some, but she was patient and kind. She would do well with a young, inquisitive mind asking her _ why _? about everything. He could easily imagine her reading to a little redheaded child or knelt down quietly explaining some minute detail of the world.

He didn’t need to wonder if she had thought about such a life with him. He remembered her dream home that he had intruded on all those months ago, and he was sure there had been plenty of dreams and waking fantasy where it was filled with the patter of little feet. His own mind had been filled with it since they’d parted in Kirkwall. Little feet and little hands, finely pointed little ears and little bowed lips calling him _ papae. _ He had never wanted such things, but now that she had planted the idea he couldn’t let it go. 

A small, selfish part of him - the same part of him that kept him returning to her arms - wished she hadn’t been so sensible when they’d met, wished they’d laid together and his seed taken root. She made it hard enough to proceed with his plans, but a child? _ Their child _? The one thing he is sure of right now is that would break his resolve beyond repair.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ma’sal’shiral - My Life/Love of My Life  
Mythal'enaste - Mythal's Favor/Mythal's Blessing


End file.
